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Archives for March 2006

back to the black hole

March 30, 2006 by Susanne Leave a Comment

Mostly it happens when I have PMS, but sometimes there’s a special trigger. This time it’s a combination of laryngitis, rain and several nights with enough sleep.

After sleeping enough I should feel better, but it seems as if my body is in regeneration-mode. This would be great if only I wouldn’t feel somnambulant with a brain made of cotton balls. And the energy of a bowl of jelly-o.

Yesterday I tried a Susanne-reboot. I wore my flylady-bracelet, put on my tennis shoes, put on make-up, and restartet housework. To feel better I ordered books and a purse.

It didn’t work. Well, the tidyness did, a little. I’m feeling weak and low, and I’m bored. Me! I’m never bored! Except when I can’t sing, obviously.

Then I took to heart what my sister is always putting at the end of her e-mails: “The only way to get rid of temptation is to give in to it.” And I ate a whole bag of jelly beans. But somehow I still don’t feel better.

This is the state of mind I’m calling the black hole or the undertow. Sometimes, when I’m feeling like this I’m searching the internet to find out, whether I’m really depressive. Sometimes, when I’m feeling like this, I just have to look at my calendar and see with relief that it’s PMS. Sometimes I go to bed and wait till its over.

This used to be my favorite strategy. Each time, that I started about a hunderd new projects, ran around like crazy, and all this on practically no sleep, I fell into the maelstrom. Sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks, and maybe the whole of 1993 was sucked into this black hole.

Afterwards I reemerge, optimistic, weighing a couple of punds more than before and thinking, this time, I’ve got my life under control, and that I’d never get sucked in again. Ha!

I try to learn, to become older and wiser (okay, older is easy), and I try to lead a life I can keep up in the long run. But it’s not easy for me.

And I still don’t know what to do, when the black hole is sucking me in. Compulsive over-eating doesn’t work, I tried that for years. Things that are fun to do work, but they’re not as much fun then.

Maybe waiting will help after all.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Mute

March 27, 2006 by Susanne Leave a Comment

This is what you get, when you’re not sleeping enough, then go out (to a public blog reading) and catch the same cold your son has had: I’ve got laryngitis. Since yesterday I’m not allowed to talk anymore. And my aching throat is hellish.

Yesterday I spent the whole day waiting for my voice to come back. I hate not being able to talk. I’m acting like a pantomime with a note in my pocket that says, “I’m having laryngitis. I’m not supposed to talk.” And then I do it anyway, croaking and hurting. And I can’t work without my voice. I already had to cancel my singing lessons. But this has a good side too.

Since yesterday I haven’t fighted with my son! Because I can’t talk! Okay, he spent a lot of time with his grandmother and his father. But that’s not the only reason.

This is a trick I learned some time ago: When I ask him, for example, if he wants to drink something, he almost always answers, no. When I just put the cup in his hand,
he drinks. Of course, sometimes it doesn’t work. When I try to convince him to wear a kerchief, he’ll thow a tantrum. When I put it in between his other clothes, he tries to put it on himself. (“Look, I can tie a bow all by myself!”) Wraps it ’round his neck two times, almost chokes himself, and is quite surprised, when it falls off.)

It’s obvious: I’m talking too much. (People who know me have told me so for ages.) Sadly ‘though, my other communicative skills are suffering too. Without my voice, I’m not able to play the piano, or to write. I have to force myself. As if all that were connected.

Even ‘though I’m surely talking too much, I’m hoping for my voice to come back. I miss singing.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

finally, music for you

March 23, 2006 by Susanne Leave a Comment

Since I’m entirely too tired to post something coherent today, I’ll rather point you to places where you actually can hear me sing. These are tracks off my husband’s two CDs. You’ll have to be a little patient ‘though, he has a liking for loooong intros. Just wait the better part of a minute for the vocals to start!

The first three songs are off his album Othersight which we finished just in time before our son was born.

after all we had

mindscape (here I’m magically doubled into two singers)

the great red spot

These are from his next album Unfold which was finished last year. Almost all the vocals were recorded during naptime!

falling apart

unexpected

The link to the song “unfold” is broken, so you can’t hear my tricky african backing vocals. I’ll point you there, when it’s fixed.

(Of course, all this is original material, all rights are Gary Winter’s, enjoy but don’t do anything else with it.)

P.S.: Here is the fixed link for the “tricky african backing vocals”:
unfold

Filed Under: music

self portrait tuesday

March 21, 2006 by Susanne Leave a Comment


This is my first self portrait tuesday. I got the idea from Mary Tsao. The theme to this month’s self portrait tuesday is time.

I had a lot of fun, taking pictures every hour starting at breakfast. (I shot one at getting up, but you wouldn’t want to see that.) I did the usual tuesday things like eating, bringing my son to kindergarten and fetching him in the evening with the bike, and one unusual nap in the middle of the day.


Filed Under: Uncategorized

that thingie should have helped me making music

March 21, 2006 by Susanne 1 Comment

We have bought new recording equipment. This time it’s computer-based. So far I’ve spent about three or four weeks getting the computer to behave, and linked up to the other computer and the internet. I then spent two weeks, putting all the information my husband needs into this computer, and teaching my husband how to use it (and get internet access).

Okay, so far. (Five weeks gone by, but who cares.) On the weekend I spent two days trying to learn how to use the recording software. And you know what I’ll be doing this week? Right: continue learning the software. My husband is now able to record stuff, but not to hear it afterwards. Hm.

I try to lift my mood by picturing how marvelously easy it will be to record sketches of songs on my computer. Any time I want to (if my husband doesn’t need the dongle, that is). But may be I’d rather have a little tape recorder with only three buttons.

…

Nah. But I’d like to have my six weeks back.

Filed Under: music

And when do you plan to have the second one?

March 18, 2006 by Susanne Leave a Comment

Since my son has reached the toddler years, there have been people asking me this question. Complete strangers have been asking me about my family planning. One woman even promised my son he’d have a sibling soon. „Sure your parents will give you a little brother or sister.“ And then they keep eyeing my belly. What to say?

„Sorry, I’m only overweight.“

„WHAT?“

„You know, after the first birth I had to have a hysterctomy, but now I’m in psycho-therapy.“

„That’s none of your business.“

My favorite answer is: „This is a very intimate question. And children are not plannable.“

When I was young, I thought people having unwanted children are too stupid to use birth-control. Well, I was totally sure, nothing could happen – a really safe day. Then I had this stomach flu for weeks. After two months I finally tried a pregnancy test. – It was positive. So I stay humbled.

I even know families with four not-really-planned kids. I also know people trying everything to become a child and then failing.

So every time someone asks me about „the second child“, I get really angry. About them being nosy and about the assumption that you’re only complete if you’re having two children. Get another one to complete the set.

Only rarely do I tell the truth, because it’s quite complicated:
I desperately wanted two children. I just wanted to wait about two years. But my husband doesn’t want another one! His reasons against a second child are quite valid. („Then we’ll have to quit doing music.“ „I’m too old, this will kill me.“) My reasons for a second child are quite valid. („I don’t like single children.“ „Wouldn’t it be nice to have a tiny baby again?“) And most of my reasons are completely hormone-driven. And most of his are completely mind-driven.

What to do? We deemed this to be an issue where a veto counts and so we just changed our method of birth-control so I gained a four-percent chance of getting pregnant.

At the beginning of this year I my period was late, and instead of being happy about it, I was shocked. The image in my head of a sweet, sleeping baby was suddenly replaced with pictures from real life, where I try to sleep while the baby in my arms is crying his heart out. (This has really happened to me.) So, why do I want a second child?

1. As everyone knows, a child needs siblings to learn social skills.
2. The second time I’ll do everything right and become a perfect mother with a perfect child.
3. This time I’ll have a perfect natural childbirth experience.
4. Etc.

Quite a humbling list. Of course single children are not anti-social (Are you saying something about my son?), and in real life I’ll never be perfect, not even with my tenth child. And I can’t control everything.

So I’m counting my blessings. I’m happy that the tension concerning this issue has gone. I’ll take it however it’ll turn out. One child, two children – fine with me.

…

(But I’m still keeping the baby stuff in the attic. Just in case.)

Filed Under: parenting

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Subscribe to Handgemacht » Podcast

Handgemacht mit iTunes abonnieren

Subscribe to know when Susanne’s next book comes out

* indicates required

Manic Writing & Such

500words-150w

Archives

Categories

  • birthday letter (3)
  • blogging about blogging (21)
  • blogher (1)
  • changing habits (53)
  • crafts (55)
  • creativity (37)
  • daily journal (1,045)
  • family (20)
  • fashion (15)
  • gender (12)
  • green living (8)
  • happiness (5)
  • health (20)
  • hear me sing (7)
  • just post (28)
  • knitting (47)
  • knitting patterns (2)
  • life (212)
  • lists (39)
  • meme (19)
  • mindfulness (1)
  • music (34)
  • NaNoWriMo (12)
  • parenting (39)
  • pictures (33)
  • Podcast (162)
  • procrastination (2)
  • project 365 (14)
  • projects (35)
  • Projekt "Farbe bekennen" (14)
  • reading (9)
  • Rhiannon (5)
  • script frenzy (2)
  • self-help (40)
  • sewing (7)
  • spinning (31)
  • story of the month (13)
  • travel (12)
  • Uncategorized (62)
  • week in review (23)
  • weight loss (8)
  • wordless wednesday (9)
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