Mar 302006

Mostly it happens when I have PMS, but sometimes there’s a special trigger. This time it’s a combination of laryngitis, rain and several nights with enough sleep.

After sleeping enough I should feel better, but it seems as if my body is in regeneration-mode. This would be great if only I wouldn’t feel somnambulant with a brain made of cotton balls. And the energy of a bowl of jelly-o.

Yesterday I tried a Susanne-reboot. I wore my flylady-bracelet, put on my tennis shoes, put on make-up, and restartet housework. To feel better I ordered books and a purse.

It didn’t work. Well, the tidyness did, a little. I’m feeling weak and low, and I’m bored. Me! I’m never bored! Except when I can’t sing, obviously.

Then I took to heart what my sister is always putting at the end of her e-mails: “The only way to get rid of temptation is to give in to it.” And I ate a whole bag of jelly beans. But somehow I still don’t feel better.

This is the state of mind I’m calling the black hole or the undertow. Sometimes, when I’m feeling like this I’m searching the internet to find out, whether I’m really depressive. Sometimes, when I’m feeling like this, I just have to look at my calendar and see with relief that it’s PMS. Sometimes I go to bed and wait till its over.

This used to be my favorite strategy. Each time, that I started about a hunderd new projects, ran around like crazy, and all this on practically no sleep, I fell into the maelstrom. Sometimes for days, sometimes for weeks, and maybe the whole of 1993 was sucked into this black hole.

Afterwards I reemerge, optimistic, weighing a couple of punds more than before and thinking, this time, I’ve got my life under control, and that I’d never get sucked in again. Ha!

I try to learn, to become older and wiser (okay, older is easy), and I try to lead a life I can keep up in the long run. But it’s not easy for me.

And I still don’t know what to do, when the black hole is sucking me in. Compulsive over-eating doesn’t work, I tried that for years. Things that are fun to do work, but they’re not as much fun then.

Maybe waiting will help after all.

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