creative.mother.thinking

Had gone to bed early and woke up around 5.20. I was okay with that.

Did write morning pages, then worked on the novel!!! (Yes, this warrants three exclamation marks.) Funny, how my mood was so much better after that. I had to trick myself by saying that I just needed to look at it for ten minutes, maybe write a sentence or two. Then I went on to write 1,200 words in 27 minutes. Duh.

Then there was breakfast with the boy who was up really early:

Somehow I only got around to taking a picture after having eaten half a slice, oops.

There was cake for breakfast because it was the boy’s birthday. He turned sixteen already. All growed up. Well, almost. He mostly got money and a Slipknot t-shirt that he loves. I kept thinking that I should have given him a book or an ebook reader but he is still using my old Kindle keyboard and doesn’t really need one.

The money will mostly go towards speakers for his computer because he is listening to music a lot.

Then I knitted, my husband showed up for breakfast, we talked, there were dishes and then we both went running:

I did a slow, lazy 5k. It was pretty cold (and I think that’s what made me extra-slow) but very agreeable.

Then my husband and I made pizza without quarreling. In fact, we have managed to cook together without fighting for ten days in a row now. Seems that our conversation two weeks ago really changed something. Huh. Only took 24 years.

Since we went out for lunch last Friday all the makings for pizza were still in the fridge. My husband had had plans to make pork cutlets with potatoes and Brussels sprouts but I found that a little cruel for the boy’s birthday. One, he doesn’t eat meat and two, the one thing he dislikes eating are Brussels sprouts. Pizza was a much better idea:

Ours had tuna and anchovies and capers and the boy’s had fresh mushrooms.

Then I spent some more time watching productivity videos for writers on Youtube while knitting. I have to say that super-bulky yarn goes rather quickly. I have finished about ten centimeters of the cardigan’s body and one sleeve up to the yoke already.

Then there was a shower and more dishes and some planning for next year, and very little teaching.

Then we celebrated by watching more Star Trek while I spun, after we opened a bottle of champagne:

I managed to write a few more words and to go to bed on time.

Today there will be more writing (I hope), I’ll go to the health food store and the optician, teach some students, plan some more, do strength training for a bit and go to bed early again.

My life is just so exciting!

Let’s just not talk about writing, okay?

I woke up from the alarm, managed to roll out of bed almost on time, had breakfast, watched some youtube videos (yeah, no idea what is happening) and when my husband showed up for his breakfast I started a new cardigan. After carefully measuring all the various gauge swatches I decided to go with the yarn held double and the 8 mm needles after all.

Knitting something that chunky is, um, challenging. But there was no way I was getting row gauge without holding the yarn double and I ended up almost on gauge. Did not get stitch gauge but with what I got size one should fit me in the end.

I also decided to try to keep track on how many hours will go into that cardigan, just because I’m curious. I might run out of yarn before finishing the thing, so that will be exciting. (I have plans to knit the body up to a certain point, then finish the sleeves, and then guesstimate on how much yarn the yoke will need in order to decide how long to make the cardigan.

Then I went running:

It was way more lovely than it looks. I’m still in lazy mode, apparently and couldn’t be bothered to run a lot, so there was quite a bit of walking and I only did 5k.

I met my husband just before my halfway point and expected him to be home way earlier than me but when I had turned around I saw him standing there talking to a woman we often meet. She walks her dog at the same time that we run.

It turned out that they had been talking about running shoes, and specifically barefoot shoes (my husband was showing off his winter running shoes) and she had told him, „There is this woman I meet often who is wearing Vibram Five Fingers. She is nice.”

To which my husband replied, „Oh yes, I know her, that’s my wife!“ (Which implies that he thinks I’m nice too, doesn’t it?”

We all stood around a talked a bit before heading back home. My husband always meets people on his runs and talks to them often whereas I only nod and smile while passing them, earbuds firmly in.

I was pretty moved by the fact that she thought I was nice. Even though we never talked before. I’m still expecting people to not like me unless I make an effort. And even then.

I guess several decades of being an outsider and bullied (two things that often go together) have left a mark.

My husband and I ran together for about three minutes or so before I started walking again and saw him take off in the distance.

Back home we worked on the lasagna.

Now, my husband had already made the bolognese sauce on Thursday which was a crucial step, and then we just worked as fast as we could while talking and cutting things. Turns out we are able to cook lasagna without fighting after all.

After the big meltdown of last week we found out that my tactic of only ever sitting at the table cutting things and waiting for instructions in order to not be in his way was not helping, and that if I think as if I were cooking the whole dish (even if I’m only helping) and if I don’t restrict myself to only ever leaving the kitchen bench when my husband is not in the room really helps in a) making the cooking faster, b) making my husband less confused, and c) not making him feel like all the responsibility lays on him.

Another first was that I did not waffle endlessly on how to put the lasagna together. Usually I can’t decide if I should start with bolognese or béchamel and then my husband always insists on adding fried eggplant (which the boy and I could do without easily) and then I always forget to add it.

I told my husband he needed to praise me for not waffling and for not forgetting the eggplant and he said, „See, that is what happens if you just start.“ Yeah. I had to disappoint him. What I did was take a moment to think the whole lasagna through before starting. I made a plan. I would start with bolognese because the béchamel needs to be on the top but if there were a lot of béchamel I would start with that instead.

Least stressful lasagna ever. And really, really tasty:

The wine was wonderful as well. The day before we went to the nice wine shop after lunch and chose a few bottles. Because we’re trying to cut back on spending we have been getting a lot of cheap wine lately. Which is alright for everyday use but the expensive wine is just a lot better.

And then I went into an extended Saturday afternoon slump. I have a nice, fat to do-list that sits there still unchecked.

One reason was that the boy was preparing for his poker night with friends. He wanted my advice on what to take and he needed money to buy sweets and a birthday card and then he needed my advice on what to write on that birthday card (though I have to say that his idea about what to put on there was much better than mine), and then when I had finally psyched myself up to either do the dishes or take a shower at around 3 pm he showed up saying, „I’m taking a shower now.“ Which meant I could do nothing but watch more videos, of course.

I finally managed to take my shower at around 5 pm, then spun the advent calendar fiber (more videos, I’m in full „learn all about goal setting and planning the next year“-mode), then changed to watching the „Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat“-documentary some more because my husband was done with watching ski jumping and then my husband and I dealt with the epic pile of dirty dishes from lunch.

On the bright side there is still enough lasagna left that we are all set for lunch today.

Here’s a bad picture of my fiber:

The lighting in that room is awful and yes, there are clothes lying on the floor. My husband and I don’t always agree on what to do with running clothes afterwards.

I tried writing a bit but felt completely stuck and exhausted. I guess I might need some more sleep before attempting writing again.

So. Today I will do everything I didn’t do yesterday, of course. Which includes wrapping presents (it’s getting ridiculous and stressful by now) and writing and baking cookies (I hope) and maybe even yoga.

The boy will come home at some point and then just conk out because he deals with sleep deprivation about as gracefully as I do. There might be some watching of Star Trek and there will definitely be more spinning. I thought that I would have to ply the first part of the fiber this weekend but then I remembered that I own two more of the lace bobbins which means I can leave plying until I have finished all the spinning.

It seems that not writing fiction makes for wordy blog posts. And now I don’t know if I should apologize for that or not.

So I woke up from the alarm because I went to bed way too late.

Decided that morning pages were more important than fiction writing in that particular moment because of family drama and Christmas panic. Breakfast and such and then I decided that there was not enough time to write but instead I worked a little on the book cover design course.

My husband had breakfast and we talked a lot about all the fighting and drama. It’s always rather interesting how different things look from the other side. We cleared quite a few things up and family drama dissipated.

Then I went to get that package from yesterday, decided to go to the nearer grocery store that’s not as big and, of course, didn’t get everything I needed.

Came home to lunch in progress and managed to help a little. Very yummy lunch, no fighting:

I voted against an extra chicken curry because of more work.

Then the boy and I went off to the dermatologist while my dear husband did the dishes. The doctor told us, „I already told you everything the last time.“ The boy is supposed to just use his cortisone cream indefinitely, as long as twice a week is enough. It would be best to use it on two days following each other like Saturday and Sunday and then taking five days off. Apparently that won’t make his skin all weird and callus-y.

We were out of there in just fifteen minutes or so which made all of my worrying about being able to teach my first student of the day completely unnecessary. My husband had agreed to open the door and teach him if necessary, nonetheless.

Since we still had time left the boy and I went to get some of the stuff I couldn’t find at the first grocery store of the day. I have to say, the really big one is still the best one for me because the choice of things like organic capers or olives was severely restricted in the other shops. And finding the right yoghurt can pose an interesting challenge as well.

We went t the pharmacy for a new cream prescription for the boy, this time with added fat. Before I also bought some extra milk so that he can finally do some milk and olive oil-baths for his hands. My mother got that tip from her dermatologist’s assistant and it sounds totally reasonable to me. The boy is a little reluctant to plunk his hands into food but I’m thinking that milk and olive oil will work rather well.

When he was a baby (and already had skin problems) we used to bathe him in lukewarm water with a glug of olive oil. He did smell a little like salad but his skin was much better. For him we could basically throw most of the regular baby care products out because they made him break out in a rash. Poor thing.

I’m afraid he’s coming after me in that regard. (Okay, he’s like me in many areas, shush.)

I came home in time to have a little break before work, even, and then I taught a student or two, and then the boy and I started spinning my advent calendar fiber because I was so tired all day that I knew I didn’t want to spin all of it late at night. Taught some more, and then spun the rest while watching a video on „How to make 2019 your best writing year yet“ and the replay on a book cover design webinar.

The webinar was okay-ish, I did learn some stuff but it turns out that I’m having opinions already about this topic and the webinar host and I wear not on the same page at all. (I also might have looked up one or two of the books he showed in the webinar and might have found one that was gorgeous but not doing a proper job of selling that book. Funny, how that book’s ranking in the online store was not very high. And even though the first in the series had come out in 2015 there was no second in the series yet. As I said, gorgeous and unusual but not making you want to read the book.)

Of course, all of this doesn’t mean I’m ready to design a good cover yet, I mean, I just spent fifteen minutes this morning not understanding why I couldn’t move my text layer around…

That’s one of my main things at the moment, time and again I’m learning that knowing and doing are two separate things. And that webinar host is so much better than me in the actual design, it isn’t even funny.

While I was still teaching and when I was spinning my husband and the boy had a deep and involved discussion in the kitchen. I’m really happy that they are spending that much time together. I think it was about spirituality and philosophy and the scientific method in general or something similar. I didn’t stay because I didn’t want to disturb a rare moment of father and son bonding (even if they were disagreeing heavily). It is rather sweet to see how much the boy sets his faith on science. Not that I think that is wrong, Just, there is so much we can’t touch with science yet…

I downloaded the second book in the „Vampire Knitting Club“-series, just in case I needed to start that one while the wifi was down during the night. You know how it goes.

I did not write any fiction because I was just too exhausted and tired but I did manage to get ready for bed and turn the lights out on time at least.

Today there will be the weekly sloppy cleaning of the house, and the changing of the sheets, and the going to the Greek restaurant for lunch because the boy gets out of school early. Then I will teach only very few students because two did cancel already, and then I will hopefully manage to wrap all the Christmas presents and get the packages ready to be dropped in the mail.

Oh, and this morning (I totally forgot) my mother-in-law came downstairs very determined that she wanted a pacemaker right now and was off to her doctor. Her blood pressure – which is generally too high – is going up and down like crazy and she also had a rather incredibly low pulse the last two days.

It seems her doctor talked down again. I think she underestimates the stress she is under right now because of Christmas preparations. I can totally understand that she is confused and scared, though. The doctor explained to her what is happening, but unfortunately she didn’t listen properly because she was convinced that she wouldn’t understand it anyways. Which is a little unfair. I really would have liked to hear that explanation so I’m less baffled and confused (and so would my husband and the boy). Alas, all we know is that he gave her extra meds and thinks that things are somewhat under control.

Phew.

And then the weekend ahead. The only things planned are baking cookies and maybe – just maybe – recording the special English episode of the podcast.

Sorry for this being so long (1236 words). There seems to be quite a few things on my mind.

Woke up at 5.30 again and wrote morning pages. I feel that that basically is the sum of everything I got done but that’s not really true.

Did not write at all but thought a lot about goals and how much time I need to do what I want to and where to fit that into my life and such. Long conversation about the topic with my husband who thinks that this kind of planning and thinking is a waste of time and that the only way to get anything done is to just do it.

I tried to explain to him that if I could just do the things I want to do without thinking I wouldn’t have a problem at all. So yes, I do think that his method works, only I don’t think it works for me. Also, I do have a few rather involved projects and I feel like I do need a road map for those.

Just that morning I had sat down to find out how much time it would take for me to finish the novel-in-progress until the end of the year, and learn all I want about book cover design.

Well, the good news is that the two book cover design classes and the one book I want to get through will ‚only‘ take half an hour each day. The bad news is that the novel would require 1 1/2 hours each day. I do know that I have that kind of time. But. Experience tells me that it is highly unlikely that I’ll spend that much time on writing each and every day. Bummer.

After doing the dishes and such I went to the health food store. When I came back at noon I helped with making lunch. I had bought some ground veal a couple of weeks before (frozen, don’t worry) and my husband wanted to make meat loaf with mushrooms and creme sauce. Potatoes would have been nice but we ran out, and we didn’t have the orecchiette he would have wanted so he decided to make polenta. And then make fried polenta balls from it.

Yeah, we did eat somewhat late. But it was pretty good. Turns out that polenta just disintegrates in the frying pan (should have cooked that the day before) but adding some flour to the outside did help:

And that was basically it with the day. I did manage to do the dishes right away because my first student called in sick, then I taught all the students until 6, did forty minutes of strength training with the boy, and then it was time for my goal-setting webinar.

The webinar was on zoom which I heartily dislike, and there seemed to be the expectation of lively participation. We were supposed to be on video and audio and answer questions all the time.

I wanted to use the time for spinning my advent calendar and I was already peopled out for the day so I left after ten minutes and went to youtube to finish watching a video on goal setting. I really liked that one, by the way.

Spun my fiber, talked to the boy a bit, then my husband was finally done with teaching for the day and wanted to talk about his day a bit.

Then I started writing this.

I had had high hopes of doing some fiction writing after that but it was already 9 pm, I was really tired and so I just cleaned off my makeup and went to bed.

At least I didn’t feel as low in the evening as I did in the morning, so that’s a win.

Today there will be running and hopefully some potato-buying at the farmer’s market (depends a little on the weather because a big sack of potatoes requires the bike trailer and you don’t want to pull a bike trailer through the snow) and quite a bit of teaching.

There is another webinar, this time about finances for women again but I think I’ll skip that and watch something else while spinning. Probably that cooking show.

Note to self: you never manage to work on your writing on trains ever, please remember in the future.

All in all the day was rather pleasant. I woke up at six, had a leisurely morning, then breakfast, more leisure, some dishes, getting ready for the spinning meeting including packing and making tea.

I had leftover Spätzle and lentils for lunch at 11.20 and left soon after.

The day was rainy and gray but I only got a little damp on my way there. I didn’t quite travel all the way to the Alps but almost. Very nice and rural.

Somehow this looked much better in real life.

I walked about twenty minutes to where the spinning meeting was and met a lot of people I hadn’t seen in ages. I started spinning the fiber I carded last week. Seem I didn’t do a very good job with the carding, it is a bit bumpy to spin. I guess I’ll need more carding practice.

I left early because I wanted to be back home until seven, got heavily rained upon while walking back to the station, and spent my trip back slightly damp everywhere. That feeling always takes me back to my teenage years where I had to wait for buses in the rain for hours or ride my bike in the rain or walk in the rain. Basically where I lived as a teenager there are more rainy days per year than dry ones.

Every time I start to feel the same as then, though, I realized that nowadays I have shoes that keep my feet dry and a much better coat. The rain never made it all through. Which is much better. Also these days about half of what I wear is made from actual wool which still keeps you warm even when it’s wet.

On my way home I bought some potato chips and chocolate bars. Then the boy and I watched the episode of ‚Deep Space Nine‘ that we didn’t watch through the day before.

Today will be just a regular Monday. You know the drill. And maybe I will even manage to get myself back to writing. I decided that my goal for this week is to make writing fun again.