Jan 032018
 

The day started pretty well, we were early with everything and I went grocery shopping and bought new pencils for the drawing exercises. Not that I started those but I like thinking I will.

My husband wanted to make lasagna for lunch, and we did, and it took ages, as it always does, which meant we only had lunch at 2 and had shared a whole bottle of wine until the end of the meal. Cooking was great, though. my husband has decided that since he really loves cooking he will stop stressing out about it, and just enjoy it as much as he can. He usually reaches complete panic mode somewhere in the middle which is no fun, so this is better. I hope it works.

Then I did the dishes right away which was great, and sat down with tea and a new book and some gummy bears.

And then the afternoon got away from me. Same as just about every day in the past ten days. I procrastinated about writing, and about practice, and did not sew, and got really, really cranky in the course of the aftenroon, and basically sat around reading ravelry and blogs until it was time for dinner, and then watched a webinar about „Setting Creative Intentions for 2018“.

That was the first ever live webinar I attended, and there were technical difficulties, and at least I had my knitting with me, made nice progres on a sock heel while listening to stuff that I already knew. What I did not know was that this was supposed to be a year-long course with monthly webinars, and so we got fed the information in very small bites.

There is a reason why I prefer to get my information by reading because then I can influence the speed. If there’s a paragraph with stuff I already know I can skip it even.

I love learning new and better ways of doing stuff but I just might have consumed enough goal-setting and self-help that I can skip on the beginner’s classes.

I’m reading „Your Best Year Ever“ right now, and while this is a very good book and I had been looking forward to reading it I am stumped in a similar way. I read about „self-limiting beliefs“ yesterday and now I’m wondering if I have any.

I’ve been coming to the conclusion that that’s all about feelings and drama, and I don’t need it. I have these moments when I feel like the worst writer ever, and that I can never write anything, and likewise I have other moments where I feel invincible. And it’s both completely superfluous. And doesn’t matter. I’ll just push forward at whatever pace I can until I finish this book. And the others. And the next. And eventually I’ll publish stuff as well.

I’m finding it rather hard to judge myself. I’m both lazy and industrious, I’m both good and bad with people, I’m both athletic and a couch potato, and none of this matters really.

I just look at what I want to do with my life, and then I try to find ways to integrate that into my daily routine, and then I do it. I mean, yes, I will procrastinate and wail and eat all the chocolate in the house to procrastinate the thing I want to do most  – like yesterday – but that doesn’t mean that I have the slightest doubt I can do it.

I think I have an inbuilt optimistic streak that doesn’t really care for the circumstances. And I think I’ve always been that way. And I’ve decided that giving up is just not an option.

Still, I need to change something about my current afternoon routine. Sitting around feeling bad because I don’t do anything is just no fun.

Well, I’ll give it another try today. There will be running, and writing, and music (yes, for real today!), and maybe even the sewing. And I will probably have to help the boy with his paper that would have been due last night, ahem. He did write an email to his teacher and apologized but still.

Oh, and while I was not happy with the amount of music and writing yesterday I did have a short practice session with my husband who is preparing for a house concert in three weeks, and I did write my 500 words. So at least something.

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