I really shouldn’t complain. And especially not because I’m having so much spare time on my hands. Because I’m a teacher I don’t have to work during summer break, or any school holidays. In theory this is wonderful. I don’t even mind earning less so that I have more time; but. Here’s the big “But”:
I’m having big issues with structure. That is with a lack of structure. As embarassing as it is, each friday I’m having a mini-breakdown because of the looming weekend. It’s not because of a fear of boredom. On the contrary, I’m weight down by the sheer number of possibilities. These are the days that I seem to have the time to do everything I can’t do on a workday. Clean the house, declutter, sleep in, read, view films, and produce a CD. Or something like it, anyway.
I try to stop having great expectations for weekends. In my experience free days offer only a little more free time than not-free-days. There still are the chores, and then I tend to do everything just a little bit slower on my free days and to have long conversations with my husband. And then the day is gone.
All this would not be a problem if I could do everything I want to (or even most of what I want to) in a workday, but there’s not quite enough space for something like writing songs in a full week day. So sometimes I have to chose between exercise and practice. Practice or reading. A free day should have space enough for at least two of these things.
It’s easier when I’m not at home, because then my expectations are lower. We’re looking around, talk and rejoice. Only after about a week of looking, talking and rejoicing we’re becoming real cranky, because we’re not making music. this is why we never travel for more than a week. It’s not me, my husband also becomes homesick after a short time.
I didn’t even like breaks and holidays when I was still going to school myself. I always looked forward to the beginning of school. So I had a reasonable schedule and was able to learn something and to meet people.
Since then nothing changed. Having a child helps a lot with the structure issue. A child gives me a reason to keep the same meal- and bedtime on my days off. But little by little we’re eating later and my child’s bedtime shifts. So does mine, because I don’t want to spend all of my precious evening time to brush my teeth and get ready for bed.
Nonetheless I’m still hoping because of the possibilities that summer break brings. I’m still hoping to use my free time wisely. And I’m still dreaming of becoming such a mature person that I’ll be able to cope with a free life without an imposed structure. The one fear I don’t have is the fear of being lazy and doing nothing.
Our big summer break is almost over, but I’m still waiting for that vacational feeling. My dear husband is doing one chore after the other, and the weather has been far from summerly.
I have planned to do the routines (aka household chores) faithfully and disciplined, schedule weekly excursions and every day to write a little song, even if it’s only short or ridiculous. You might cross your fingers for me.
How are you feeling? Do you love summer break? Retreat to the beach immediately? Or are you glad and sad at the same time when school starts again, like I am?