creative.mother.thinking

explaining my life to strangers

do what you want or surrender

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Well, the ones of you that are actually following this blog might have wondered, when I’d write the post on “do what you want or surrender” that I mentioned a couple of days weeks ago. So, here it is:

When I was about twelve years old I got a book that deeply impressed me: “The Neverending Story” by Michael Ende. For those of you who don’t remember, that’s a fantastic story about a boy entering a magical land of fairy. He gets a medaillon with the inscription: “Do what you want.” At first he thinks what nearly everyone would be thinking that it’s all about getting everything he fancies. But because this is a book for young readers, of course there’s a moral to it, and in the end it’s about doing what you really want. With all of the consequences.

I thought about that a lot. Since then I’ve been in the habit of asking myself several times a day, if I really want what I’m doing. And if it will lead me ultimately into the direction I want my life to be heading.

In spite of the gap that lies between my knowing and my doing this helped me for example never to start smoking: I was about 13 years old, standing in a park with a herd of teenagers, holding a cigarette in my hand, because smoking was so cool then. I stopped and thought, “Do I really want to do this?” No, I didn’t, so I extinguished the half-smoked cigarette and never did it again.

“Do what you want.” helped me not to study business studies like everybody else did. And later after university it helped me not to become a computer programmer.

So it is a very helpful thought. You stop, you think about the relationship between your deeds and your ultimate goal, and it helps feeling powerful, because you know that it was your own decision.

Only that I started thinking again. I’m going all new agey hear. Maybe it’s not all about what I want. (Something a mother can’t stop thinking.) Maybe there’s a bigger plan. Maybe God is trying to lead me and I’m constantly struffling against it? (Okay, here it is, the G-word. Sorry.)

So, while I didn’t stop asking myself, “Do I really want to do this?” (I even started changing my doing accordingly.), I’m relaxing a little. Pray for guidance and help. And, you know, my life has become just a little bit easier. I don’t have to do it all on my own.

Wow.

KISS

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I should have this tattooed on my forehead! Not, because kissing is always good (well, with the right person anyway), but because this is an acronym for “Keep It Simple, Stupid!”.

I read about this as part of the latest blogjolt. I looked around Angel Copes‘ blog 1smartmom, and found this, which lead me here, to Robyn Tippins‘ blog Inside Motherhood.

So they both remind me that I can’t really do it all at once. Between the parenting and the housework and the teaching and the blog and the music, no wonder that there is no time for friends or anything else. But what do I skip? Right now about the only thing really expendable is the blog, I’m afraid. But do not fear, I’ll keep it for yet another while.

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how not to make friends and lose the few you have

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Lately I’ve been thinking again about friendship and meeting people and being lonely. Which I am. I’m longing for friends. But then there is not much space in my life for people. So I found out that maybe it’s also my fault that I’m not having millions of friends. (Is that possible? Being really connected with millions? Nah.)

So, how not to make friends:

  • when you’re outside your home, plug in your earphones and listen to you MP3-player all the time
  • when you’re with people, avoid eye contact
  • when somebody’s speaking to you, instantly say something that signals that you’re feeling superior. (Like last week, when another preschoolers mother complained that van Gogh is not an appropriate topic for preschoolers and I said, “Oh, my husband immediately showed him the van Gogh-book. My son loves these art books.”)
  • when you meet another preschooler’s mother that you like, tell her, “We have to meet during summer break! I’ll phone you.”. Then forget all about it, until you meet her after summer break and she says, “I guess we didn’t meet after all, didn’t we?”
  • when you’re bringing and fetching your child, always rush in and out without a minute to spare
  • when somebody wants your number to call you and meet say, “Well, I don’t think I’ll be having time for anything until November.”

How to lose the few friends you already have:

  • never, ever return phone calls
  • phone a friend in August, because you suddenly remembered that she left a message at the end of June. Talk to her, promise her to phone her again two weeks later, because you want to visit her. Think about her every day. Don’t call her. Decide to write a letter. Procrastinate about letter writing for weeks. (Note: Just today I wrote it. Phew.)
  • after getting a letter of a friend who’s not feeling very good right now – do nothing. When she follows it with an e-mail – do nothing. Leave a message on her voice mail promising to call again and then – wait for her to write another e-mail. then write a blog-post.(Which makes a kind of sense since she is reading this blog, but still.)
  • when a friend of yours is moving, don’t help at all. Phone her once after the move, promise to visit her soon, then do nothing.

Here are the biggies:

  • when your best female friend ever introduces you to a guy, then tells you, “He’s interested in me, but I don’t know.” tell her that he is a loser and she’s better off without him. Be surprised, when you don’t hear from her again. A year later receive a card from her: “You former best friend and the loser announce the birth of their first child.”
  • when one of your best friends in school is getting married to a woman you never met before, look at her very disapprovingly. Tell him that you think she is way to young for him, and that she only got pregnant to trap him. Tell him that he’ll be sorry that he married her. Wonder for twelve years why you never heard of him again.
  • when another of you best female friends ever tells you that she’s no longer interested in the guy, she had a relationship with and still shares a house with, believe her and make out with her ex in front of her. Be surprised when she never talks to you again.

After all of these proofs of your superior social skills, complain that you don’t have friends and that all the people you meet are boring and dumb. Wonder why nobody ever knocks at your door in order to be your friend. Turn to the friendly internet and blogger communities. Rarely comment, never send anybody an e-mail. Never follow any comments up.

Duh.

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Meditation

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You know, the one thing that has helped me the most during that last year while I tried to change habits that are decades old, has been meditation. Mindfulness meditation to be precise. It’s not that I’m all meditative and mindful, more like starting out at minus ten and being thrilled to arrive at maybe zero.

I have always lived in my head. Daydreaming, thinking, scheming, planning, anticipating, you know what I mean. I even trained myself never to be in the moment. The moments felt boring and unpromising. I liked to live in the land of fairy. In my head. Going to university hasn’t helped with that. There you’re living in your head again. Only in another way.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against thinking, planning and daydreaming, but it’s really a good thing to live the live your already living and to “be where you already are” to quote Jon Kabat-Zinn. And mindfulness is an invaluable tool for really seeing your life which is important if you’re not content with it.

So how did someone like me, nervous, ever-talking and in her mind, start to meditate? First I may say that meditation and yoga appealed to me for the first time when I was about eleven. I read about India and was intrigued. And then for ages I have been thinking that maybe it would be a good thing to meditate, only I could never have sit still for that long. I waited for some magical transformation happening to me so that I would become a person capable of doing things like meditation.

I have been waiting for magical transformation in many areas of my life and my personality. A few years ago I realized that they probably never will happen. So I had the choice of burying all my big dreams (a choice, many mothers make), or to take a path leading towards those dreams regardless of circumstances. I chose the latter.

So when I read “Ben and Birdy” and was pointed towards “Everyday Blessings”, then searched for it as an ebook and could only find “Coming to our senses”, I bought it and took it with me while visiting my parents. Then I decided to start meditating. I bought a set of meditation CDs, not trusting myself to try it on my own. I made a commitment to meditate every day. Later I purchased another set of CDs, because there was the promise of a guided meditation taking only 10 minutes. Ten minutes seems like a time frame that I can spend every day.

So now I have been sitting almost ever day for at least ten minutes. In an effort to feel more meditative and authentic, I had asked my husband to give me a meditation cushion for Christmas. But until then I sat on a chair.

Following my new principle of “You don’t have to do it right, you just have to do it any way you can” I have been sitting after breakfast and household chores, on my chair (or cushion). With a locked door. Sometimes with a preschooler rattling the doorknob and wailing, often with loud rock music playing in the next room. I often thought that I’m not doing it the right way and that I should stop it. Lately I changed my routine and now I’m meditating before everybody else is awake. But I’m still trying every day. One day it’s lousy and I find myself thinking about blog entries or finances or whatever, often the bell at the end rings and I feel like I’ve wasted my time, but deep down inside I know that even that period of sitting with my thoughts is way better for me than all that mindless doing that’s so prevalent in our days.

Some days it’s bliss. My mind going blank for microseconds at a time. Feeling elated afterwards. When I told a friend about it, she asked, “And what are you getting out of it?” And I went “What? Should there be a goal to it?” Of course I started it in the hope of becoming more calm, more centered, more patient, and more content. But I’m continuing because it’s like taking a time-out, like stepping back, feel myself and just be. That can be very liberating. sometimes it’s strenuous, often I fail, but very rarely I feel like I’m connecting with the universe as a whole. And then it’s worth it.

And I’m very sure that this is why I’m making progress in my life in the moment. Being mindful, being in silence and stepping back from my life are really helpful in changing unconscious habits. But when people are asking, “What have you done to lose so much weight?”, I’m still too timid to say, “I slept enough and started meditating.”

But, like making music, you have to do it for its own sake. It doesn’ t work like a “Start meditating and lose weight immediately”-craze. Just try sitting quiet for a short time every day. Try to concentrate on being, on breathing, on your body. Stop chasing thoughts and feelings. You do have the time. No problem, take ten minutes off your TV habit.

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blogjolting time again

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This weeks “joltees” are quite interesting again. (Oh, if you don’t know, what a blogjolt is, look here.) The first is Rebecca living and crafting in Ireland. What I love about her blog – apart from the beautiful things she makes – is that she lets her readers see into her creative process. And imagine doing so many things.

The other one to be jolted is one of the fabulous ClubMom bloggers. I immediately bookmarked Kelly’s blog “blended, with salt”, when I saw the line about “raising a teenager and a toddler”. Phew.

Off you go, read fabulous things.

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Free of the TV program’s tyranny at last!

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I haven’t been watching a lot of TV lately. For one thing there’s not that much interesting to watch and for the other TV is something that I try to cut back on, so that I can spend my time more wisely. And tv is an energy sucker. Like a vampire it can suck the life force out of you, unless you hang in front of it, unable to get up and go to bed, or even to turn it off.

I know, because there have been times when I spent my entire day in front of the tube, hopping from one sitcom to the other. My husband dreaded the sound of canned laughter coming out of the living room, where I supposedly worked on my dissertation. While this was an excellent way to procrastinate, I then set up my newly built study in a way that forbid watching tv while working. And it served me well, work is going better without tv. (And then there came the internet and blogs…)

But as I said, I haven’t been watching a lot of tv lately. The only thing I have been looking forward to is “Buffy the vampire slayer”. Every week I’d tape the latest episode or two and then the next day I’d sit in down in front of the tv and enjoy my funny horror teen show. I’m not quite sure, why I like it so much, my husband for example thinks it’s stupid.

Last Friday I sat down, rewind the videotape and then, – no episode of Buffy. Nada. Obviously I had taped some film I had never heard of. I was furious. Not for a second did I think, I had programmed the VCR wrong,. And I was right. The channel showing my weekly tv show had decided to move it to another time, or to skip it altogether. This was especially annoying, since there was no warning the week before, and it was the final episode of season two where the big story arch of the whole season was about to be released. And it’s one of the most dramatic episodes of the whole show.

(Buffy has to kill the love of her life, a, um, vampire, who had been one of the good guys, then lost his soul (and she thinks it’s her fault): just in the moment, when she is about to thrust her sword through his heart, he gets his souls back, they tell each their eternal love, but she has to kill him anyway, in order to save the world. Best greek tragedy. (And no, I despise soaps.))

I was so upset that I spent the rest of the evening in front of the computer violating my very own ‘no computer in the evenings’-rule. First I tried to find out where the missing episode had gone. Then I tried to buy and download it from the iTunes music store, but since I’m living in Germany, no films to buy.

Those of you familiar with Buffy might ask “Why is she so upset? The show has been over for years.” And it’s not as if I had never seen that particular episode. I have seen it at least two times. Because the final season of “Buffy the vampire slayer” had been aired years ago. Maybe in 2002 or so. And afterwards I lent the whole series on DVD from a student of mine and watched it all again, but without annoying advertisement breaks and in English. So even I was flabbergasted, why did this make me so sad. Why do I love a show about a teenager fighting vampires so much? I don’t know yet, but I’ll let you know when I do.

But sad I was. And angry. I wanted my season finale. And then it hit me – I could go and buy it on DVD! I haven’t spent any money on comics, books or CDs in September, and since I had made a budget, I could spend it all on Buffy DVDs. So I went online and ordered season 2 and 3. Ha! I’ll watch the season finale and then the whole of season 3 and then season 2 and 3 again. For weeks. (I hope. This might turn into a Buffy-athon, ahem. I’ll ask my husband to remove me from the tv set with force at 10 p.m….) And I don’t have to watch annoying advertisement, or minutes of trailers for whatever film the channel is promoting this week until I don’t know any longer what I had been watching before the break.

And I’ll watch it in English! And the whole of the show. No more cutting off the final scene to announce whatever monstrous thing is up next. Ha! Take that tyranny. I’m becoming independent.

Though I really don’t know why I like this particular show so much. It is disturbing.

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