creative.mother.thinking

explaining my life to strangers

why exercise and inch loss might be related after all

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I have something to confess. Maybe you remember my series of posts on non-dieting, and how I’m only trying to eat like a healthy and sane human being? Do you?
(It’s okay, just go and read it. And it’s okay, if you don’t read all the posts. You don’t have to.)

So, there I was, proud of myself, lost about 20 pounds, eating better; once again I thought I had made it. Only I hadn’t. Slowly my old habits started creeping back in. Only today, I thought as I followed chocolate with beer. Only this once I thought, as I ate without stopping from lunch to bedtime. I was fortunate this time, because I noticed it early. And I tried desperately to go back on track.


Then I read Moxie’ s training’ s blog, where she told about T-Tapp. Curious I clicked on the link: “Lose 2 sizes in 4 weeks.” You need only 15 minutes of exercise a day. And all the success stories. Have you read the testimonials?

Suddenly I found myself like “Losing and looking fabulous? Count me in. Where do I have to sign?” Duh. Mrs. “I’d never diet” and “This is only to overcome unhealthy eating patterns.” was all excited because she wanted to look “Fit and fabulous in 15 minutes”.

Of course I was skeptical. But on the other hand my new workout routine of walking and a little leisurely yoga did not quite help me to build more strength. So I bought the book.

In the course of the first two weeks doing T-Tapp Basic Plus (15 minutes) out of a book (!) I – gained two pounds. BUT: I lost between one and two inches everywhere from my bust to my knees. And I looked more defined, and my posture (not that I had cared about it before) looked way better. I was hooked and ordered the DVD (expensive with a big shipping fee to Europe). Having the DVD helped a lot, but things didn’t proceed quite as spectacular as they begun. Well, that was only to be expected. Recently I even upgraded to the “Total Workout” (50 minutes).

I love this workout. It’s flexible, I can do 15 to 45 minutes depending on my schedule, I’m doing it every other day. I feel good, I look better, and I’m still getting sore muscles doing it, even ‘though I started in the middle of May. It feels as if you’re building the muscles from the inside out. And I like doing the same exercises over and over again, and I have no problems that there is no music or anything. Just a middle aged woman (very lean middle aged woman, but there are other people on the DVD too) working out and talking all the while, “Tuck butt! KLT.”

No the problem I’m having with myself (Are there any others? Thank God these are the only ones right now.) I thought I was mature enough to feel good with myself regardless of my weight, but I’m not. And I’m watching myself getting back into diet mentality. Now, while I’m looking quite good and weigh 20 pounds less than 18 months ago, I felt fat again. ‘Though I’m not. (Last week, looking at a recent picture of me I thought, “But I’m not that thin!”) And I’m putting my life on hold again, until I’ll have reached a certain number on my scale. This is crazy. I so thought I was over this. Blah.

It was only after the new successful workout that my eating started going back to what had been “normal” for me for the past 25 years. It didn’t matter, right? I had the wonder workout. Who cared what I ate?

Well, my body did, obviously. That’s why I never lost weight on exercise. It’s really easy to refill on more calories than I’ve burned.

So there I was. Diet mentality again. Judging myself according to a number on the scale or on a tape measure. (You know how accurate a tape measure is? On the same day I measured myself twice and I could make the results differ by four inches.) But I won’t give in. I’m back on my eating guidelines. I’m back to giving myself stickers for going to bed on time. (Yeah, pathetic, I know.) And I’ll keep on doing it as long as it’s necessary.

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open letter to my sister

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(Note: I wrote this while on my way to my sister’s wedding. I didn’t know what to do with it. It was written with the blog in mind, that’s why I wrote it in English. So here it is, an open letter to my sister.)

So my little sister is getting married. I almost typed “Who would have thought”, but in fact it is not such a big surprise. But it wouldn’t have been a surprise either if she and her boyfriend had just lived together for the rest of their lives. The only thing that would really have been surprising would have been their separation.

I can’t say much about her husband-to-be. Mostly he is a voice on the telephone saying “Hello.” and “Yes, she’s in, I’ll give her the phone.” But the two times we met I found him very mellow, a little quiet (hard to be anything else in the company of me and my family), intelligent, nice and interesting.

So the only one I can tell something about is my sister. I know her quite good, you know, we spend our childhood together. In fact, she’s my little sister (I know, I have mentioned it). Last time she called on my answering machine, she said “Hello, this is your annoying little sister.” Well, she’s not as annoying to me as she used to be. The one thing that helps is the fact that we don’t have to share a room any longer. At the beginning of this year I would have said that she’s still driving me crazy, but right now I’m glad she did, because for the first time in our lives we told each other what we dislike about each other. Well, the first time since kindergarten anyway.

And then, you know, my sister is not very little anymore. She’s quite big and a lot taller than me. And has been since I were 16 and she 12. You know, four years seem to be a lot, when you’re four and your sister’s just a baby, but when your 39 (almost), the difference is neglectible.

We haven’t been close. Last June I saw her for the first time in a year and the last time before that, my son was still a baby. And we’re not talking a lot on the phone. For years our contact was through our mother, like “Oh, and by the way, your sister is moving in with her boyfriend.” And then I thought, it’d be a good thing to talk to her once in a while, because she’s the only sister I’ll ever have. And only because you didn’t like to share a room with someone as a child, you don’t have to go on resenting that person forever.

Our intense talks on the phone in the last few months have cleared the sky a little bit. And now I can see better, where we are different and alike.

Our parents tend to point out our differences. So she became the painter and architect and I became the musician. I the rational and she the emotional one. I the over-achiever and she the loser. Oops. (Parents be careful. There is enough success for everyone.)

Only when we both moved out into the world could we see that our interests are alike too. She took singing lessons, I took a drawing class, we read some of the same books (although it is really interesting that two people who both devour science fiction and fantasy books (and detective novels) can come up with quite different bookshelves. But we both have lots of them. (Yeah, bookshelves, and books, of course.)

We share an interest in graphic novels, music, computer games, knitting, design and esoteric things. During the last years whenever one of us sheepishly told the other one a new enthusiasm for things like tarot cards, astrology, yoga or tai chi, the other would say; “Oh, you too?”

It’s strange to have someone who is so strange and so alike at the same time, but then that’s one of the big marvels in all families. You know, I’m a Leo with an ascendent Sagittarius and she’s a Sagittarius with an ascendent Leo. (And my son too.)

So we both have big egos, a high sense of moral, like to travel, like to be center stage, are warmhearted and generous, prone to prejudice, but very forgiving. And there the similarities end.

The reason I’m writing this is that marriage marks the end of adolescence. Yes, even today. And even if you have lived together for ages it doesn’t have the same sense of founding a family of your own. Officially, culturally. You know, living together is private, a commitment between two people. Marriage is an institution. It’s legal, it’s public. You’re declaring your independence of your family of origin.

I believe that ritual makes a difference. So you shouldn’t marry because of tax reduction, it should be a soul thing. And it marks the time where you really grow up.

Little sister, let me tell you, while I’ll certainly never stop feeling protective towards you, you’re officially not little any more. And of course I wish you well. May you and your future spouse be blessed in your marriage. May you both live your dreams and find your place in the world. May your relationship be lasting and joyful.

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the book meme

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Thinking about what to write next, I couldn’t decide and so I consider myself tagged by Julie Meloni of no fancy name.

1. One book that changed your life?
“The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron. When somebody at a singer’s workshop told me about it, I thought, “Oh, another crappy, new age book. Why would anybody read this, let alone do those exercises?”. Immediately I went to the next bookshop and bought it. (Had to go to two bookshops, even.) I only read it, when I ran out of books to read on vacation, then I started doing the program. Now, seven years later, I’m still doing “morning pages” every day.

2. One book you have read more than once?
Very funny this one. The books on my shelves that I haven’t read more than once are mostly scientific ones. Since I’m currently housing about 900 books, everything not considered essential, classical or re-readable gets ferried to the library for its book sale. Books that I have read over and over include:

  • all Lord Peter novels by Dorothy L. Sayers (started at the age of twelve with very bad translations, bought all of them in good German translations in the 80s, and consider buying them all again in English)
  • all of Terry Pratchett’s Discworld novels. Every time a new one comes out (that’s twice a year), I read that and then all of the old ones in chronological order.

3. One book you would want on a desert island?
Only one? I don’t know, the bible maybe, something lengthy with lots of stories.

4. One book that made you laugh?
I’ll pick one of the not so recent Terry Pratchett books with Maskerade. A book about opera, witches, and cats. Among others.

5. One book that made you cry?
The first book ever to make me cry was probably “Der Schut” by Karl May. (I just spent twenty minutes with goggle trying to determine the title of the hook, since it’s part of a series and I don’t own it.) There’s a scene, where the protagonist’s horse dies, that left me weeping when I was ten years old.

6. One book you wish had been written?
I wish the last Harry Potter book had already come out, but I’ll have to wait.

7. One book you wish had never been written?
You know, it’s easy to avoid books you don’t like.

8. One book you are currently reading?
Um,

  • “With a daughter’s eye. A memoir of Margaret Mead & Gregory Bateson” by Mary Catherine Bateson,
  • “The Architecture of All Abundance: Seven Foundations to Prosperity” by Lenedra J. Carroll,
  • “the history of early witchcraft” by Susan Greenwood, “the unmistakable touch of grace” by Cheryl Richardson,
  • “Melody in Songwriting” by Jack Perricone,
  • and the next novel waiting to be read is “Until I find you” by John Irving

9. One book you have been meaning to read?
“Thinking in jazz” by Paul F. Berliner (thick as a brick, with a lot of references).

10. Now tag five people:
Like Julie before me I tag…YOU, times five!

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Blogger Postcards from the World

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The fabulous Meeta has initiated Blogger Postcards from the World. Each participant is to pick a postcard, write a post about it and then send it off. The recipient then will be blogging about it when she receives it.

So I went out to buy a postcard of the town where I live. I should have known that in this town you never can just go out and buy something. So my first attempt failed and because most of the participants are food bloggers I settled for this:

Gorgeous, but not really typical for Bavaria. So three shops later I found this:


That’s the big city near my town. It’s not gorgeous (the postcard, not the city), but it will do. Postcards from the world it is. I’m eager to receive mine…

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After the concert

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Yeah, the concert is over. I’m quite proud and believe the audience liked it too. For almost two hours I played Tori Amos-Songs. The moment I started playing I realized that probably no one knew Tori Amos before. Apart from one of my friends whom I’d given a couple of CDs. So between songs I talked quite a bit.




Before I began my stage fright was so enormous that I thought I’d be getting sick. Afraid and paralyzed I spent half the day in front of my computer and implemented nice new features into my blog (New! Improved! Better! Subscribe via e-Mail now!) Then setting up and sound check became inevitable. To tell it in front, after sound check I was about to cancel the whole thing.


I played in my husband’s music room (Yes, we do have two music rooms, it’s where we’re working). It’s the biggest room and the one with the PA. (Yeah, another acronym, public address, the amp and speaker system). We (my husband and me) set everything up, plugged in all the cords, and then we didn’t have any keyboard sound at all. Hm. Oh, switch on compressor. Okay, mike functioning, still no keyboard. The keyboard hasn’t got a status light, but when it’s on the same socket as the sound module, it has to have electricity. Well, it should logically have, but plugging the whole thing into another socket mysteriously worked. Relief.

The next problem: feedback. (You know that loud piercing sound, do you?) This is something I’m familiar with since my voice is quite soft when I’m singing low. Therefore you have to have the mike really loud, and then you have a higher danger of feedback. And then we had the additional problem that the room has marvelous acoustics. Like a natural chorus. The only problem with that is that it’s making amplification tricky. So you ask, why amplify? Well, an electrical keyboard does not sound good without an amp, mine doesn’t even have a speaker of its own. And besides I wanted to record the concert. We literally spent hours checking and putting sheets in front of all the windows and reflecting surfaces, and carpets on the floor. In the end we found out that a major problem was the gleaming surface of the keyboard itself reflecting into the back of the microphone. So I had to play with a woolen shawl on the keyboard. After checking the sound I was spent, nothing was going right and my voice felt weak.

Then change, make up, dinner – hang up laundry.

The three people attending (yes, three, never schedule a concert at the end of July directly before summer break) were quite punctual and after a glass or two of champagne (I told you, you’d miss something.) I started. The recording caused additional problems with set up and PA. During the first songs I was a little tense, but then it got better and better.

Sadly there where times when the audience was thinking, “Is she gonna make it?” (because of the piano), and that’s not so good. The audience was friendly and attentive, and my son (3 1/2) spent the whole concert sitting or lying on a chair, and didn’t utter a word. Wow! I’d have thought that he would have had enough at the break, but no. And he didn’t even sleep. When I was done, the babysitter put him to bed. The adults kept on talking and were really tired the next morning.

I’m really happy with this concert. This project was my chance to point others to music that I love dearly, all the way working on my performance issues, and get closure on a project. What I learned doing this (apart from the advice never to schedule something for the end of July again) is:

  • once in a while it can be fun to do a bigger project and pull it through,
  • a big part of my performance issues was the result of being unfamiliar with the equipment,
  • what a difference a good microphone makes,
  • that I used to be too sloppy with the preparation,and
  • even this time it was not quite enough.


But I’m also seeing that my decision to make a serious commitment to music will eventually elevate me to the next level. Each time that I’m in despair because music requires so much work, I’m seeing that it works the other way round too. When you’re doing the work, you’re getting better. Always. Maybe not instantly, but surely over time.

Addendum: I want to thank my husband too. He freed me of chores so that I could practice and he was my very own personal roadie, mixer, sound engineer and recording engineer.

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happy birthday to me!

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Here I am, 39. When I was young I thought at such an enormous age I’d have my life down pat. Um, not so much.

But I’m really proud of myself. During the last year I have made a lot of change towards the better. Started new things like playing the guitar and not-eating-chocolate-in-the-kitchen every night. And the most important change of all, working on being a musician. This time for real. No more “But I don’t have the time!” and “I’ll do it tomorrow!” excuses.

So far I’ve had a very nice birthday with Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte, gifts of self made or cut flowers by my two men, and then

I GOT THIS!!!!!

Just what a girl wants. You can keep all your fancy shoes if you like.

P.S.: Well, actually I got half of that, but I ordered it nonetheless and in a week or so I’ll have the laptop I’ve always wanted since apple made the first ibooks. In orange. But I’ll settle for white, when it’s ten times as fast.

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