creative.mother.thinking

explaining my life to strangers

Archives for March 2008

Things I’m happy about

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I haven’t been writing about it much but actually I have been mildly depressed since August. For a few months I didn’t even realize it. Only slowly did it come to me that my bout of feeling “meh” had lasted not only weeks but months already. It’s not as if I didn’t try to snap out of it. Once or twice I even thought I was getting better.

I never know whether my mood changes because of the things I’m doing or because of some weird brain chemistry shift. Though I’d say that the way I live my life also influences my brain chemistry. It’s not as if my brain weren’t connected to the rest of me. While I do know what to do to make me feel better I have been strangely reluctant to change my behavior in any way. It was as if I threw myself wholeheartedly into the vortex. There’s this cycle of not caring for myself, not sleeping enough, eating more junk, not making music, spending too much time mindlessly surfing the internet, not doing housework… I have become even more stupid, forgetful, unreliable, and overweight than before.

It would be nice if there was a magic pill. I could go to a doctor, take it and feel happy and healthy again. But I doubt that it works that way. I’m not really clinically depressed. In fact I am a cheerful person despite the fact that life looks a bit grey all the time, and everything I do feels like pushing a big boulder uphill. Even things like doing the dishes, getting out of bed, or taking a shower.

The reason I’m writing this now is that I actually do feel a bit better. I have been getting enough sleep for almost a week now, and I have started to tackle things that have been lying around and weighing on my conscience for months now. Like reading a friend’s manuscript (I told her in September that it would take me a couple of weeks, ahem.), like starting to sew a bag that I originally planned to make in August, starting to knit something that I bought the yarn for in October. Since it has been such a long time since I cared for such a lot of things I couldn’t finish everything that I started or wanted to do since August in the past week but I made a start.

It seem that I really need structure and routines to feel good, even if that structure and routines don’t feel good when I’m in the midst of them. Like exercise. I only feel good after I have done it. Somehow I have to remember that dreading and procrastinating something often takes more of my energy than actually doing it. Maybe I should make a banner of that and post it over my piano.

So, to celebrate feeling better I’d thought I’d post a list of things that make me happy. in fact, I encourage you to do the same, whether you feel good or not, because it lifts your mood anyway.

  1. The first flowers peeking out under the snow.
  2. My son starting to spell words.
  3. My son starting to play the very first chords on the guitar.
  4. Hearing my husband play his guitar through the wall.
  5. Taking out the guitar not with the notion of, “I have to practice for work.” but just for fun, and playing around with it for a whole afternoon. (In fact I found out that I think of my two guitars as “work guitars”. When I use them I have to be efficient, and to the point. Get the most out of limited time. So I took one of my husband’s for play.)
  6. Writing blog posts again.
  7. Baking bread.
  8. Eating the bread I made.
  9. Pulling out an exercise DVD that I used to work out to three times a week, and finding that I’m not totally out of shape.
  10. Seeing my son dragging around his new bunny and playing with it.
  11. Waiting for my hibiscus to blossom.
  12. Watching my son singing along with “Sky Children“.
  13. Having no unread posts in my feed reader.
  14. Being almost able to sing again after weeks of throat problems.
  15. Not having to teach until next week.
  16. Knitting the Scheherazade-stole with exquisite Wollmeise-yarn, something I have been looking forward to since at least four months.
  17. Giving up on being perfect all at once, and instead just changing one thing at a time again.

What have you been happy about lately?

Mindfulness Day

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As often as our life permits my husband and I attend something called “A Day Of Mindfulness”. It’s held once a month in a beautiful setting near the Alps. The group organizing this is a Buddhist community following the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh.

The first time I remember being drawn to meditation and such was when I was about 12 years old. However I didn’t know how to do it, found the prospect of sitting still unbearable and so forgot all about it. After being drawn into Christianity for a while, and then slowly becoming disappointed with my church, and then becoming agnostic again, I didn’t think about spiritual matters for years. That changed when I read “The Artist’s Way”. At first I found all this talk about the creator and spirituality off-setting, then I felt drawn to it again until I felt comfortable with spirituality once more. Not Christianity as such though.

I think it was in 2005 when I found the book “Coming to Our Senses” because I was looking for a parenting book. I loved it. And how can’t you. The subtitle is “Healing Ourselves and the World Through Mindfulness”. I was hooked. I ordered the guided meditation CDs and started practicing. Learning more about mindfulness meditation, I became interested in Buddhism which led to a visit to the local Vesakh celebration in Munich. We made that into a sort of family tradition (because we already have been going twice, you know). There you can check out all the different groups of Buddhists there are in Munich. We’re fortunate because there are so many to choose from. In 2007 my husband and I thought about joining a group. There were several that sounded interesting, I researched them on-line, and found that the “Gesellschaft für achtsames Leben” held a day of mindfulness every month. No membership required, you can just show up, meditate with them and practice mindfulness for a day.

I have come to cherish these days. I’m still not really sure if I am a Buddhist or not but taking the time to slow down for a day, sit, walk, and eat in mindfulness feels very joyful, refreshing and makes me a bit calmer.

It isn’t that easy to organize. My mother-in-law has to be available to take our son for the day. We’re all busy people. We have to get up at six in the morning, pack lunches, tea, meditation cushions, and such and catch the train at ten past seven. The train ride takes about 90 minutes. It takes us through Munich, out of the city again, and then, finally, to a beautiful lake in view of the mountains. To be frank this view alone would be worth the trip. There are quite a few people taking the same train so we go to the village together. Everybody says hello, gets out the cushions, takes off shoes, and puts on socks. After a bit of chanting we sit for a while, and then walk in meditation, then sit. We have tea in meditation, then we’re allowed to talk and have a short break followed by a lecture. Then eating lunch, partly in silence, walking meditation outside near the lake, then some singing, walking meditation back, talk about the morning’s lecture, sitting meditation again, and then it’s over.

The first time I went there I was sure I’d go nuts, trying to be silent for so long but actually I’m a bit sad every time the bell rings and we’re allowed to talk again. Being silent and mindful all of a sudden seems a rare treat. Which it is in modern life, especially when you have children.

It also is a good way for me to remind myself how good mindfulness feels. Lately I have been trying to wriggle out of it. But that’s not doing me any good. Trying to be mindful on the other hand has done me a lot of good. I have to keep that in mind…

Happy Easter!

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This was one of the things my son found on his egg hunt yesterday. The pattern is Sophie by Ysolda Teague. My son named it Franziska, and we decided that like Pippi Longstocking she is the strongest bunny-girl in the world. So that she can help him against any monsters or ghosts that might be in his room at night. Of course he knows that there are no such things but then he also knows that this is just a knitted toy. It all evens out.

The egg hunt was indoors this year because it was too cold to do it outside even though the sun was shining. We had dyed eggs, plaited easter bread that I made the day before (this year with soy milk since we just found out that my husband is lactose intolerant), and my son got too many toys. I really try not to make this into some gift-giving holiday like Christmas but there are so many people wanting to give him something…

So we’re having nice lazy days, my husband working on his songs, me knitting and making music, and my son making a police station out of paper for his new playmobil waterplane.

There’s still one week of spring break to go, who knows maybe I’ll post again before it is over…

Why I write. And how I started it.

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I think it was Terry Pratchett who said that if you read enough books you’ll eventually start writing because all the words filling up your brain will start seeping out. That’s as good an explanation as any.

I have never thought of myself as a writer; but the first time I remember wanting to write a book was about 30 years ago. And I thought, “Well, if that’s what I want to do I better start now.”
I sat down and wrote into an old notebook. About three sentences into the story I despaired. This was no good. Ridiculous. So, obviously it wasn’t meant to be, I had no talent, and that was it.

Interestingly I didn’t really stop writing. I kept a journal, I wrote lots and lots of letters, and occasionally bad poetry. When there were writing assignments in school I loved doing them but none of my teachers thought they were particularly good. I didn’t know you could practice writing then. I thought you either had it or you hadn’t.

I gave up my dream of being a writer much as I had given up my dream of being a dancer at age 10, of being an actress at age 12, and of becoming a musician at age 16. (How my dream of being a musician came back is another story for another day.)

When I was 18 I entered two halfheartedly attempts at stories to a contest. I never heard anything back. It was only when I wrote my master’s thesis that I realized how much I actually liked the writing part of it. For a couple of weeks I’d spend every morning with it. After breakfast I’d get to the computer and start the day by writing into my journal. Then I went on to the thesis.

While writing about how jazz music is taught in German schools I had a lot of story ideas coming to me. I kept them in a folder on my computer where they sit until today. A friend told me about a book about writing screen plays. I had no intention of ever writing anything fictional but I bought the book, and started a script. Then I went back to the thesis. (I actually wrote a first draft of this script that I started in 1992 last year during Script Frenzy.)

It took me ten years to finally realize that my main motivation for going on towards a Ph.D. was that I wanted to write another book. Only after years and years of working on that did I realize that I’m not an academic.

But I still didn’t think of myself as a writer. And as of now I’m still unsure. Last year a new friend introduced me as, “This is Susanne. She’s a writer.” I had to resist the urge to hide and protest.

I might have a storyteller’s mind though. Through conversations with my husband I found out that not all people tell themselves stories all the time. That there are, in fact, lots of people who don’t invent characters and live with them for years.

So, when I first heard about NaNoWriMo in 2005 I immediately knew I had to do it. And I did. Twice. Which means that now there are two novels in first draft sitting in my desk drawer.

I’m a bit slow, I know, because only after writing for my blog for more than a year did I get the fact that writing a blog is still writing. (Do you hear me? You’re writers too.)

From all this I conclude that writing seems to be important to me. It feeds part of my soul. And my life feels richer for it. I still don’t know if I’m going to tell any of the stories in my head, or if one of my first drafts will ever get to be finished, but for now I’m very happy with writing about the things that feel important to me, and – and that’s the best thing about a blog – have people read my writing and come back for it.

February Just Posts

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justpostfeb2008

It’s time for the Just Post Roundtable again. You might have noticed that I haven’t written anything about social justice this month. In a way this was due to the fact that I had too much things to write about. If only I could find a way to siphon my thoughts directly into the computer I would have one or two posts daily. The things I wanted to write about but haven’t were:

1. Women’s Day on March 8th. Sadly gender still is an issue. Those of you who can read German might want to have a look at the short post Frau Kaltmamsell wrote about that. For those who can’t, basically it quotes an article that reminds us that while more than half the human beings are female there are still a lot of areas where there are only men to be seen. (For years I had a graph hanging at my wall showing how in academia women make more than half of the students but only something like ten percent of faculty members.)
2. V-day. I received an e-mail about this which I’m quoting:

V-Day is a global movement to end violence against women and girls that raises funds and awareness through benefit productions of Eve Ensler’s play, The Vagina Monologues. This year, 2008, marks V-Day’s 10-year anniversary. To date, V-Day movement has raised over $50 million and educated millions of people all over the world about the issue of violence against women and the efforts to end it.

3. Goods4Girls. An initiative started by Crunchy Chicken. She is working with organizations to distribute cloth menstrual pads to girls in Kenya and Uganda so that these girls can stay in school. You really should read the whole story on the Goods4Girls site.
4. Elections and voting. Voting is very important because it’s one of the few ways we can change anything about our local politics. In my head I had a long post all mapped out about the moral dilemma of whom to vote for. We had a few local elections here, one of them was about electing the town’s mayor. I didn’t know whether to vote for the candidate that I agreed with, who was very likely not going to win, or for the candidate that seemed the lesser evil against the one that I absolutely didn’t agree with. (In the end I decided to follow my conscience. “My” candidate had about 10 % of the votes. The one whose policy I heartily dislike had 45 %. Interestingly he didn’t win but there will be a second ballot, a second chance.)

I know this is a bit much for a mere introduction to the roundtable, I apologize for that. As usual, don’t forget to check out what Jen and Mad are writing too. Hel won’t join us this month but you might want to go to her place anyway because there are pictures of puppies. (And who can resist puppies?)

Aliblahblah with Imagine
Attila the Mom with Language is powerful
Awake with Cyclical
BipolarLawyerCook with Free school lunches and social stigma
Cecileaux with Yes, we can vote for a black man and No-cajones congress
Celeste with Immunization controversy and The revolution will not be televised
Chani with Put a little love in your heart and Sacred life Sunday on Saturday
Crunchy Chicken with Using your sewing skills for good, and Operators are standing by
Cynematic with Unable to mind my own beeswax part 2
Deb with Naivete
Eileen with home visits in America
Elspeth with What the Dream House was/is for: building dreams and a real house
Emily with Real dads don’t suck and Her name
Gina with vote and wasteful
Guilty with an Explanation with Ain’t nobody’s business if I do
Gwen with Say it absolutely nothing
HeartFeldt Politics Why we must embrace controversy
Her Bad Mother with Juno’s Choice
Ian with Emerging from the mines at last
It’s Not a Lecture with Facebook: Still clueless
Izzy with the one where i get all aggro and lecture everyone
Jangari with Eleven years in the making, The Prime Minister who apologised and Sorry business Jen with Water boarding and other unnecessary evils, Little big girl and stars in their bucky eyes jo(e) with Filled with Groceries
Julie Pippert with Putting a face to the health care crisis for kids (and families) as health insurance options expire and vanish
Karen with Super Tuesday
Karen (needs new batteries) with Just call me Rosenblum Hussein
Kevin with 935 lies
Kyla with Hate to waste $30
League of Maternal Justice with I need to start somewhere
Liz at Los Angelista with our acceptance of the code and religious freedom
Mary with No good answers
MOMocrats Women with Just call me Hussein: The meme
MOTR with more evidence emerges about dangers of EBA exposure
No Caption Needed with The evolution of violence in the 21st century
Pundit Mom with Super Tuesday not so super
Reality Testing with In the mix: Helping our children become successful in school and in life
Sarcastic Mom with Carroll Community Cleanup
Shakesville with Call to action to help tornado victims
Sin with Backwards in Time
Surrender, Dorothy with The US and our spy satellites: Fear disguised as concern
Suzanne Reisman on blogher with Women are Dumb. Let’s Educate Girls and Boys Separately! That Will Solve Everything., Would the American Economy Collapse if Women Stopped Hating Their Natural Appearance? A Look at Makeup, and A Letter to My Body
Wayfarer Scientista with Bird friendly coffee/chocolate
Writing as J(oe) with Teaching in the dark
Readers
Mary
Catherine
Hetha
Jess
Emily
Chani
Joanne
Alejna