parenting

When I introduced my son to sippy cups at the age of seven months, I expected to be done with them after a few months. I read all those helpful parenting books (still do) saying that a one-year-old is perfectly capable of drinking out of a real cup.

When he was one year old he could drink out of a cup, but I’d rather not have him, because of spilling – or throwing the cup on the floor regardless of its contents. In our quest for uninterrupted sleep I provided him with a cup placed in his bed, so he could help himself to a drink of water during the night.

I thought, okay, at least he’s not drinking from a bottle, I’ll put the sippy cups away when he’s eighteen months old. Since then I’ve talked it through with him now and then, he’d say that he’s a big boy now, and doesn’t need a sippy cup at night, I’d put him to bed, he’d cry for his cup. (Same thing with the pacifier, but that’s another story.)

This morning, my husband put our breakfast things into the dishwasher and said, how much he hated taking apart those cups. And I thought, why don’t we dispense with them altogether? I told everybody, my husband’s glad, my son will be having a glass of water in his room (he never drinks in the night anyway), and there will be less stuff in the kitchen which is always good.

So bye sippy-cups. I liked you very much when my son was a baby, even ‘though you were dripping, but now it’s time to part.

Since my son has reached the toddler years, there have been people asking me this question. Complete strangers have been asking me about my family planning. One woman even promised my son he’d have a sibling soon. „Sure your parents will give you a little brother or sister.“ And then they keep eyeing my belly. What to say?

„Sorry, I’m only overweight.“

„WHAT?“

„You know, after the first birth I had to have a hysterctomy, but now I’m in psycho-therapy.“

„That’s none of your business.“

My favorite answer is: „This is a very intimate question. And children are not plannable.“

When I was young, I thought people having unwanted children are too stupid to use birth-control. Well, I was totally sure, nothing could happen – a really safe day. Then I had this stomach flu for weeks. After two months I finally tried a pregnancy test. – It was positive. So I stay humbled.

I even know families with four not-really-planned kids. I also know people trying everything to become a child and then failing.

So every time someone asks me about „the second child“, I get really angry. About them being nosy and about the assumption that you’re only complete if you’re having two children. Get another one to complete the set.

Only rarely do I tell the truth, because it’s quite complicated:
I desperately wanted two children. I just wanted to wait about two years. But my husband doesn’t want another one! His reasons against a second child are quite valid. („Then we’ll have to quit doing music.“ „I’m too old, this will kill me.“) My reasons for a second child are quite valid. („I don’t like single children.“ „Wouldn’t it be nice to have a tiny baby again?“) And most of my reasons are completely hormone-driven. And most of his are completely mind-driven.

What to do? We deemed this to be an issue where a veto counts and so we just changed our method of birth-control so I gained a four-percent chance of getting pregnant.

At the beginning of this year I my period was late, and instead of being happy about it, I was shocked. The image in my head of a sweet, sleeping baby was suddenly replaced with pictures from real life, where I try to sleep while the baby in my arms is crying his heart out. (This has really happened to me.) So, why do I want a second child?

1. As everyone knows, a child needs siblings to learn social skills.
2. The second time I’ll do everything right and become a perfect mother with a perfect child.
3. This time I’ll have a perfect natural childbirth experience.
4. Etc.

Quite a humbling list. Of course single children are not anti-social (Are you saying something about my son?), and in real life I’ll never be perfect, not even with my tenth child. And I can’t control everything.

So I’m counting my blessings. I’m happy that the tension concerning this issue has gone. I’ll take it however it’ll turn out. One child, two children – fine with me.

…

(But I’m still keeping the baby stuff in the attic. Just in case.)

Somewhere I read that parenting is the hardest work in the world. Well, it is in a way, but so is living. And like living you just do it, whether it’s hard or not, because what else can you do?
And like living your life you can either rely on instinct and just do it or strive to do it mindfully, in beauty and truth.

I’m not really comfortable with the “instinct-approach”; maybe I would if it were working. So I’m one of these parents who are constantly reading parenting books. I’m excusing this with being a teacher, so knowing more about education and children is a good thing, and I really love to read as well.

Everytime, I read a parenting book that contains more than merely receipts of “how to put your baby to sleep” (haha, I could put him any way I wanted, he just didn’t), I feel elated. (I’m referring to books like Everyday Blessings as opposed to the Ferber method, for example).

Everytime, I try to carry this feeling of elation and purity with me, and to be super-mom to my precious son. Until it turns out he’s wanting something again, like watching TV because he’s to tired to go to bed (which he’s never allowed at all, no TV in the evenings for him), and we end up with a shouting match and a full blown temper tantrum. Sometimes tantrums for both of us. Because nobody can trigger you like your own kid. (My husband at least shows some restraint, when getting angry.)
Afterwards, both of us sit there, mother and child cuddling, feeling ultimately exhausted, and don’t quite know, what we did wrong. Since I’m the grown-up, I should have been able to contain my anger; to see were this has been leading and not to let it happen.

But lately I’m not so sure anymore, whether I did something wrong. Not that I’m thinking “This is only a phase, tantrums happen, he will grow out of it.” (All of life is “just a phase” and, eventually, we will grow out of it.) But this “phase” – as every “phase” – is about learning something new. And in a way it never leaves you, even when you’re almost forty years old and never would be kicking, hitting and screaming in public.

You see, last week my son and I had a major fight over something small – and it’s almost always something small. It lasted about an hour, both of us alternately screaming and trying to make up, him crying, and crying. – It was horrible. And we both vowed, not to fight like this again. I announced some new rules to minimize further conflict, and promised myself to put him to bed earlier.

We were both so shaken; and this little 3year old as weel as me, or maybe even more so. So he was really nice the next day, and the next, and tried to do everything asked of him. He tried so hard not to become angry, to restrain himself and to act like a grown-up. And then – of course – he blew up – in kindergarten.

His kindergarten-teacher was stunned. He had been exploding because he didn’t want to drink anything, and – he didn’t want to have a water-bottle with him. Very logical. So I finally figured it out: these tantrums were about venting frustration. About adjusting to the new situation of being in kindergarten, and of growing bigger and bigger but not real big. His life just is a little to exciting for him. Even ‘though he loves going to kindergarten, it’s a big change. And he isn’t a grown-up, he’s three.

So my task is to find a way for him to cope with his anger and frustration, and the feeling of life being a little overwhelming. How can he release all this tension wthout having to fight with the people he loves. And before being able to show him this, I might have to learn a little more on it myself.

Maybe he needs something physical; time to pull out the bike again …