creative.mother.thinking

It’s the small things that bother me the most

June 19, 2010 by Susanne 1 Comment

I’m immensely proud today because I took my laptop apart, cleaned the optical drive’s lens and put it all together again. And it’s still working. And now it plays DVDs again.

Lately I had been spending quite a bit of time gazing at nice and shiny and new Macbooks. (Also at spinning wheels again, but that’s another story.) And then I asked myself why I wanted a new computer that badly. Apart from it being shiny and new, that is. My computer is now four years old but then it’s working fine, and I don’t really want to spend that kind of money right now. So I sat down with myself and thought about why I want a new computer. And then I found that there are two things about my old one that drive me crazy: 1) the battery is no longer working so I always have to take the cord and plug with me, and 2) the DVD-player isn’t reliable anymore, it only reads certain DVDs, and sometimes it decides that it doesn’t like a certain DVD right in the middle of the film. That’s very annoying.

Now mostly my laptop sits on a desk in my studio-office-room but every day in the evening I unplug it from everything that is attached to it, and haul it, an external DVD-drive, the power plug, the drive’s plug and cable, and the current DVD of choice off to the kitchen so that I can watch an episode of Dr. Who while my son sleeps. With earplugs, of course, but I keep the earplugs in my handbag near the kitchen.

When I first got my laptop I would go and sit in the garden and write or surf the net but I no longer can because of the battery. Having to bring all that other stuff with me every single day when I move the computer from studio to kitchen and back is annoying and I really don’t like it. Often I leave the external drive in my bedroom where it clutters my dresser. At one point I contemplated making a bag that holds all of this stuff at once so I could better move it back and forth, and then I thought again. Of course, if the problem is the battery and drive what I need isn’t a bag (though bags are good, I like bags), what I need is a new battery and a new optical drive.

And so that’s what I’m doing right now. I ordered a new battery (and I hope it will arrive soon), and I looked around on the internet and found a tutorial for getting at the drive, and one for cleaning the lens of the DVD-drive with alcohol and a q-tip (some people say you shouldn’t use alcohol by the way, just so you know). So that’s what I did today. I unscrewed a gazillion teeny tiny screws, I put them on the table in order so that I would remember which one to put where, I almost broke the drive when I tried to open it, I almost gave up three times, I cleaned it, I had to put the drive back in and out again six times, and in the end I broke some plastic thing that should have held a screw (but the screw is still there and is not lose, and the thing it was supposed to hold is not lose either, so that’s good), and then I put it all back together again, turned it on and tried it out and – it’s a miracle – it still works and it even reads DVDs again. Yeah!

This is just one example of the things that go on my nerves day in and day out. The small things. The top of the dresser that’s crowded with yarn because I have been wanting to get a new shelf for the yarn but I haven’t. The heaps of CDs on top of my stereo that don’t have a place to go, the magazines that are sitting in a pile on the floor because they don’t have a place to go, the pair of jeans that I have to pull up every other second, the sneakers that are scruffed and on the verge of disintegrating, the handbrake of my bike that doesn’t quite work, all these things, insignificant and tiny things those bother me the most.

And I was only reminded of this because I finally decided to do something, anything about the things about my computer that had been going on my nerves for more than a year at least.

What’s bothering you?

just a short one

June 16, 2010 by Susanne Leave a Comment

I noticed that this time of the month is often when I stop posting here on the blog (for the month), and I fully intended to do a real post but then on Sunday evening while brushing my teeth I found that one of my molars was kind of lose. Not a good sign. I went to the dentist yesterday and he had to pull it out completely. I’m a bit shocked because that meant I have been running around with a crumbling tooth for months without really noticing but then I told my dentist there was something weird about this tooth years ago and her sole response was, “There is nothing wrong, everything looks fine.” (Just like the car before the motor fell out, by the way.)

The next time I feel something is wrong I’ll stay and have it checked until they find something.

For now I’m happy to be rid of the nasty tooth, and am recovering nicely. But I don’t feel like doing much of anything, not even knitting. I plan to sleep a lot, and lay on the couch watching Doctor Who. After I have finished teaching for today. See you.

Apparently, when you’re overweight you’re supposed to be an apple

June 11, 2010 by Susanne 1 Comment

Despite the fact that I still haven’t really taken inventory of my wardrobe (all I got so far is a heap of too small pants and a coat sitting on my dresser) I have been starting to look at clothes. Because even though I don’t know how many of the t-shirts in my closets don’t fit me anymore I can honestly say that I’m under-equipped with summer wear. Because yesterday when it was really, really hot I almost resigned myself to wear two things that don’t match so that every important part of me could be covered without bursting into flame. And then I remembered the tank top I bought last year, and I was really, really happy. You know, a tank top that does not pinch anywhere, and that doesn’t exactly make me look like I’m going to burst it any second now.

That doesn’t mean the tank is looking good on me, and that doesn’t mean that I have shorts or a skirt or pants that really go with it, so yesterday I went with the too big grey linen pants (you know the kind that older women wear in summer when they don’t want to expose their legs), and a brown tank that didn’t really go with it.

Then I went to the city for my writing group and on the way I did the sensible thing. I looked at handbags. Now, I did find some handbags that I really, really liked but I didn’t buy any because I don’t have a spare 300 Euros lying around at the moment. But today I thought to myself, “What I really need is a nice summer dress, and a summer skirt, and a pair of shorts I can actually close.” I also need a ton of summer tops but right now I wanted to start with the dress, and or skirt. (I won’t be contemplating shorts for now, the thought of trying to find some that fit me is just too depressing.)

So I got out my sewing magazines, and started looking for dresses and skirts (and pants, and shorts (only there weren’t any, and coats) for plus sizes. And I looked at the patterns, and at the model, and starting thinking about making a jersey wrap dress when it hit me. All of these patterns, every single one is made for “apple-shaped” women. Bit bust, nice legs.

Me, on the other hand, I’m that pear-shaped that my lower half is about two sizes bigger than my upper half. I also managed to eat my midsection big enough to make people wonder if I’m pregnant again. So, none of those dresses will actually look good on me. Even if I can make them fit. My next thought was that there are stores for people like me, those who don’t fit into the “normal” sizes, and then I thought back to the last time I had to shop in the “plus section”, and I remembered. It’s all the same. If you’re pear-shaped you’re doomed.

I have a theory why this is so. The other thing that I found is that plus sizes are mostly made for shorter people than me. And I think this is because manufacturers of bigger clothes think that they are making clothes for older women than me. Most of them are not as tall, and since they only go “plus” when they hit menopause they have the apple shape to go with that. (Though I have to say that I’m getting the “menopause belly” on top of the pear-like thighs and behind. In fact I’m looking pretty “mountain-shaped” these days, especially if I sit down which I do a lot, that’s part of the problem.)

But when I look around me I’m seeing lots of women who are overweight, and a lot of them are my age or younger. Where do they get their clothes? I see a lot of teenagers just squeezing into things that are too tight but that doesn’t really look good. And I have reached a stage where I really can’t squeeze into a size 44 jeans anymore. (I tried, and I couldn’t pull it up beyond the middle of my thighs.)

So, what to do now? Change the size on some regular pattern? The clothes would end up being too short anyway. And I do have the feeling that patterns for “normal” sizes are meant for women with neither bust nor hips so that won’t work either. Maybe I should make my own pattern but I’d have to do it quite fast.

Anyone knows a place where to find nice clothes, plus size, fashionable, for people who are tall? And if they are not expensive, that would help too.

Some might say I should just lose the weight, and I’m working on it but me thinks I can’t go naked in the meantime.

Story of the month – murder?

May 27, 2010 by Susanne 1 Comment

(One of the writers I’m meeting with every month has written a murder mystery, and so her topic of choice for our last meeting was “murder”. I didn’t quite know what to write for that at first. I had a vague notion of doing something with cute talking animals like the white rabbit but then I found that I wanted to do something totally different:)

“I couldn’t harm a fly! What do you want from me?”

I was looking at her through the observation window, the window that was a mirror on the other side.

Her husband had been found by a neighbor coming over to borrow the dethatcher for his garden. The neighbor came in through the back, and found him sprawled on the kitchen floor. Nothing had been looking out of the ordinary, just a guy laying on the floor. There had been groceries sitting on the counter in a bag. He probably was about to put them away.

I was called to the house just before lunch break. There were police cars already there, and Gonzales my partner was already talking to the neighbor. A nice neighborhood, small houses, each with a lawn in front and a garage attached to it, neat mailboxes standing next to the sidewalk. A lot of people were standing in the street. They weren’t used to see police cars here.

Everything in the house was tidy and neat and clean. Just as you would expect in the house of a middle aged couple. There were only the two of them living there. No children apparently which was a bit unusual. Otherwise everything looked normal.

Somebody had knocked the deceased on the head. Just one blow, and that was it. There was no sign of struggle, no fingerprints, no nothing. Just a man on the floor. He looked as if he had just keeled over.

When the wife came home later she was shocked by the presence of police cars. When they told her about her husband she couldn’t believe it at first. Then she went numb. Of course we had to bring her in and question her. She was the person who could help us best with this, she would be the one knowing her husband. And of course she was also a suspect. They always were in cases like this.

Until now it had been Gonzales talking to her but we all thought it might be time for a little woman on woman chat. People assume that you’re nice and sympathetic because you’re female. Of course that’s bullshit. Gonzales is much nicer than me. Women working in the police don’t stay nice even if they start out that way. You either get hard or you quit. And if you quit you can have a nice little life in a nice little suburb with your nice little kids, just like that woman sitting there on a chair in a police station. Of course her life wasn’t that nice now, with her husband killed.

In TV series there’s often this moment when they tell somebody about the death of a person they love. There’s a very brief pause, and then there’s the wailing. It doesn’t really happen this way in real life. Usually people take much longer to understand what’s happened. Most people stay numb for quite some time. They act as if nothing had happened, they keep on doing the things they always do, and only later, quite a bit later does it hit them. And even that is not the time when the wailing starts. That comes later.

Except when someone is guilty. When somebody already knew that the person was dead. Then they often act as in TV. They don’t know better. That’s often a giveaway, people wailing like that. You want to watch out for that.

I go into the interrogation room, and sit down on a chair opposite her.

“Hello, Mrs. Harris.” I say, “I’m sorry to keep you but you’re the one who can help us to find your husband’s murderer.”

“So it was murder? But that’s ridiculous. Who would want him dead, he is perfectly harmless. And it’s Ms. Harris, not Mrs.” Then she remembered. “Was, I mean.” She played with the wedding band on her left hand, turning it round and round on her finger. “Your partner there, Mr. Gonzales, I think that he thinks that I did it.” Suddenly she sat up straight, looking me directly in the eye. “That’s ridiculous, I love him, and I never would have wished him harm.”

That made me smile a bit. “Never, eh? Not even when he didn’t screw the top of the toothpaste back on? Not even when he forgot your birthday? Never?”

“He didn’t do that. He’d never forget my birthday.” She paused, “Of course he never did any housework.” Twisting her ring, “Or picked up his clothes. I have told him over and over again, day in and day out to please put his clothes in the hamper but no, he always threw them on the floor. Every single day. And every day a clean shirt. Every single day, even on weekends. And I had to iron them. Pick them up from the floor, empty his pockets, put everything in the laundry, wash it, hang it up, iron it, fold it, put it away. Every single day. Oh, and his shoes. He never polished them, ever. But he needed a clean and polished pair every single day. Do you know how many pairs of black shoes this man owns?”

I tried to look sympathetic.

“Ten pairs. Ten pairs! Of black dress shoes. For work. And guess who has to polish them?”

“That would be you.”

“You’re right. And he never puts anything away, ever. Not even his tools. You know he has this workshop in the basement with all his tools. And every time he uses something he puts it on top of the workbench. He never puts anything away. The pile on that workbench just gets higher and higher. The other day I wanted some pliers to unscrew the faucet, and I couldn’t find anything in there. He does have this set of drawers for his tools, everything has a place, it could be beautiful, and easy to find everything but I had to dig through that pile on the workbench to find a measly pair of pliers. Mind you, when I straightened them all up he was mad at me.”

“Did you have a fight about that?”

“We don’t exactly fight. We’re always nice and polite to each other.” Twisting her ring again. “Though I think sometimes I’m nagging him a bit.”

I just leaned back and let her talk.

“I know, he is working much more than me. I should be able to do all the housework but it does seem a bit unfair that he never lifts a finger.”

“Mmh.”

“He could just, I don’t know, sometimes he could just put away the groceries or go shopping once in a while, or just pick up his damn socks from the floor.” Her voice had gotten louder and quite tense by now.

“Wait a minute. There are groceries in your kitchen right now.”

“Oh yes, I forgot all about them. I should have put them away.”

“Did you go grocery shopping earlier?”

“Yes, of course, I always do. I left them on the counter, and asked him to put them away for once because I had to get back to fetch some potatoes. – He doesn’t like pasta or rice so I always have to cook him potatoes. And I hadn’t gotten enough, and so I asked him to please at least put the milk in the fridge.”

“And what did he say?”

“He said I could do it. But I had to go back to the store before they were closing.”

“And then?”

“I said he could either put the groceries away or go to the store to get more potatoes.”

“And then?”

“And then he said that I could do both, and that it was my fault because I had forgotten the potatoes, and how muddle-headed I always was, and that it wasn’t his job to always help me out, and that made me really mad.” She looked down on her hands playing with her ring. “I got so mad at him, I could have killed him.”

Thinking about minimalist packing

May 24, 2010 by Susanne 1 Comment

There are two reasons I’m thinking about packing right now: 1) I’m about to visit my parents for ten days com Wednesday, 2) through the Unclutterer website I found an article on minimalist packing last week or so.

I like to travel light as much as the next person, and I’m always making fun of people like my mother who always takes about three times the clothes I do, and ends up bringing things home that she didn’t even wear on the trip. Of course, the secret to packing light is not to mind if you look the same every day, and to have comfortable shoes that you can wear day in and day out. (Sometimes I think wearing shoes like that might be one of the secrets of happiness but this is not about shoes.)

Still, when I’ll be getting out of the door to travel my luggage will be quite a bit heavier than the one described on the minimalist blog. Why is that so?

Well, for one I’m not staying in a hotel so I will bring shampoo, and soap, and a hairdryer (a tiny one but still), I will bring an emergency travel towel (something that really comes in handy more often than you think), I will take a second cardigan, and contact lens solution, and my cell phone charger, my camera charger, my ipod charger, and my PDA charger.

Why do I need all these gadgets? Well, I won’t bring my laptop, and my PDA with its foldable keyboard is my means to get my 500 words a day in.

I will also bring more clothes than her because while I could wash my clothes while away I don’t like to do so when I’ll be only gone for a little more than a week so I’ll bring four tees, a cardigan, four pairs of socks, and four changes of underwear in addition to what I’m wearing the first day. Depending on the weather forecast I might also bring a pair of sandals in addition to my grey walking shoes, and I’m contemplating to add a pair of slippers since we will be spending quite a bit of time sitting around indoors.

I will bring a bathing suit because we plan to go swimming, I will bring a lace shawl or two, and I will bring a bottle of wine and some dark chocolate as presents for my parents.

I will bring a notebook for my morning pages, and another one for just general notes, I will bring my best pen, and a book to read, and I already bought three new books for my son to read, and I will bring a pack of Uno cards to play with my son. Last year I took three books for me but this year I decided to only take one paper book, and I have a couple more on my ipod. But I can think of a lot of situations where you don’t want to bring an electronic reading device, or where you can’t charge your ipod, or just imagine what if it falls to the ground and breaks, and then you’re stuck without a book to read.

We will have two eight hour train rides to fill, and a whole week’s worth of evenings sitting in our rented apartment while out son is already asleep.

I will also take a bottle of water or two, and sandwiches and cookies, as you do when you’re traveling with a child, and a husband who is lactose and fructose intolerant. We will also take tea, so that my mother doesn’t have to buy some that she’d never drink anyway.

And of course I will bring knitting. You didn’t think I would forget that, wouldn’t you? I already started a pair of socks who’ll come with me, and I will start another lace shawl, one that’s intriguing but not as complicated as the one I’m currently working on. I also will bring a spindle or two and 100 grams of fiber, and if everything goes according to plan I might have a nice pair of socks made from that fiber upon our return. If everything doesn’t go according to plan I will have lugged around 100 grams of fiber, a 15 gram spindle, and a set of double pointed needles.

I will also take some sheet music since my husband plans to bring both an electrical guitar and the violin with him, and since the guitar is already there I might finally get around to practice the songs I’ve been teaching my students lately. (That’s the “so you’ll have to play it this way, only much faster, and as you can see you have to look out to not make this mistake I just made”-school of teaching. In my defense I have to say that they are playing quite well.) So. Sheet music, picks, guitar tuner, and a capo.

And two yoga DVD’s. I’m not taking my running shoes though. See, I’m sensible. And I will exercise in my pajama bottoms.

And before you think I’m totally crazy I might have to add that when my husband and I went to Brazil for two months all the luggage we had were our two backpacks (one is about the size of a carry-on, the other is a bit bigger), and each of us had a second backpack in addition to that. We could easily carry all out stuff around. So, the clothes I take for ten days would be enough for any amount of time, I only would have to wash them.

We didn’t bring a guitar, though, we bought one there.

So I can never decide if I’m a light traveler or not. I try to be prepared (sunscreen, water, a hat, an umbrella, a pocket knife) but not overloaded. It’s a tricky balance. What about you? Do you travel light or not? How many pounds of knitting do you usually take? Or books?

so much to do – so little time

May 19, 2010 by Susanne 3 Comments

In my last post I entertained you with yet another one of my endless to-do-lists. Tini was kind enough to ask how far I had gotten that weekend. Well, I knew I’d not be able to do everything on that list, that was kind of the point of the whole thing. Faced with a tiny sliver of time I always make big plans to fill it. That list, last weekend’s list was big enough to make me think I’d maybe get through it by the end of this week. I would have been okay with that if it weren’t for the fact that life keeps on happening and now I have a new list that’s even bigger.

You know, there are people who do “100 things to do before I turn 40”-lists but really, I have a “100 things I absolutely have to do until next Tuesday”-list. It comes with an attached “list of things I wish to do with my life” that’s enough to keep me busy for the next two or three decades, and that has such nifty points as “write and record an album of original songs”, and “write a novel”, and “edit the first draft of a novel I have sitting in my file cabinet and get it ready to be read by other people”.

I have heard of people who are bored, I’m usually not one of them, unless you make me sit and listen to small talk for more than thirty minutes in a row. But even then I usual take out my knitting, and then I’m fine.

Back to the list:

Sew a bag to hold my two new spindles: I solved this by buying two zippered pouches that are intended to keep bottles cool. They are neither beautiful nor particularly suited to the task but they are better than ziplocks and already assembled. I tested them on Sunday, and yes, they hold the spindles and fiber, the spindles didn’t break.
Weave in ends, sew buttons on, and block every single piece of finished knitting that’s on the “knitting to be finished”-pile: I did sew the buttons on my new Tappan Zee cardigan. It took me all of five minutes. I didn’t want to show up at the spinning meeting with a cardigan lacking buttons.
Darn socks, and other items of clothing: Very funny. I almost feel like my mother-in-law when she was getting rid of her old bedroom furniture in 1995 and there was a pair of jeans in need of mending in there that had fitted my husband some twenty years earlier. I have to say, though, that I cull the mending pile on a regular basis so that all clothes in there still fit someone in the house. Well, apart from the pair of corduroy pants that belong to me, and that are now two sizes too small. But I’m working on it.
Clean the house including windows. Again, very funny. I did keep the kitchen in pristine condition throughout the weekend, though. I just didn’t cook.
Sew a skirt. Nope.
Finish knitting clues 4 to 7 of the Alhambra-Shawl. Knit eight rows of clue 4 on Monday morning. Haven’t touched the shawl ever since.
Get enough sleep. Partial success, I did sleep enough one day, not nearly enough the next. I’m on a new, improved, and very strict “get ready for bed at 9.45 pm”-routine though. Already managed it once. (Pat on the back.)
Go to spinning meeting on Sunday. And I did. And it was a lot of fun. And I spun, and spun, and talked, and spun.
Bake a cake to take to spinning meeting. Did it. Just barely in time but it was a huge success, I didn’t take any of it home again even though there were only four of us.
Exercise. Well, I took a long walk.
Do something special with my son. We went to the toy store where he bought himself a new toy, and we went to the farmer’s market and got some greek food. We don’t eat that any more because my husband can’t have it. Since he was away it was the perfect treat for my son and me. After eating that he spent the rest of the weekend with my mother-in-law.
Take pictures of all the finished knitted items. Again, very funny. The sun still has only been seen from afar in these parts.
Write a story for the next writer’s group meeting. Still have to do this one, has to be finished by tomorrow. Fun.
Finish doing taxes. And again, taxes are sitting here, mocking me.

All of this is not much of a problem. The problem are all the things that were on my to-do-list before, that have gotten on the list since then, and my brain going on overload because of all that.

One of my problems (and I told you about that, I know) is that every problem immediately creates a set of sub-problems and -tasks. Like my son got invited to a birthday party next week. There is:

Talk to mother who invited him, tell her that he would love to go.
Tell her that she can give my number to another boy’s mother so that only one of us has to make the half hour drive.
Think that it might be nice to make a family outing of that. To go there by train, and spend the afternoon in a café while my son is at the party.
Talk to my husband about that. He agrees.
Think about the fact that we will have to bring birthday presents for the twins, think about when to get them, and what to get.
While out doing errands today, go to toy store and buy presents (that was very efficient of me, most unusual).
Make a note that presents will need to be wrapped but only after my son has seen them.
Look up trains for getting to the party and back, and look up ticket options.
Write a post-it note for my husband to put date into his calendar.
Put date into my own calendar.
Put date into family calendar.
Hope that there is still suitable wrapping paper in attic.
Make note to look for wrapping paper before going to the grocery store next time.
Go and look for wrapping paper.
Put wrapping paper on shopping list.
Buy wrapping paper.
Wrap presents.
Get ticket.
Get family to station on time.

And I’m sure I have forgotten something. Like telling my mother-in-law that we will be going there so that she doesn’t make plans for my son on that day.

One part that makes organizing this household such a big task is that every single thing has to be talked through with three other people. Often repeatedly. Everybody has to have every information. I should make hand-outs. Like the sheets of paper you get from the school. You know what, I think I just had a perfectly brilliant idea.

One part is that the flow of information heavily relies on a seven year old. He said to me that he needed some brown or green clothes to wear to a school event. Then he told me that he had already chosen the right clothes with the help of his grandmother. I didn’t ask her about it but just today when he was on his way to the event my husband found out that the particular pair of pants he had planned on wearing were not in his closet. That’s because they have been to small for more than a year. My husband didn’t know that. I’m the only one who has any idea what clothes my son owns, and I was busy teaching during this particular crisis.

And so it goes on and on. Tell somebody about an event, then remind that somebody about the event. The writing group I attend is organized through a yahoo group. We meet every second Thursday of the month, except when we don’t. Keeping track of dates seems to be really hard, so I’m using the group’s calendar to send out reminders for the meeting. Three days before, and one day before. But then there’s one member of the group who is not on the yahoo group so I try to remember to send her the dates through e-mail. And then there’s another one of us who sometimes doesn’t check her e-mail for ages, and so if I haven’t heard anything from her I text her.

I also talk about the meeting with my mother-in-law because I can only go if she’s free to take my son, and I talk about it to my husband, and I mark it on my calendar, and on the family calendar that’s hanging in the kitchen. I remind my husband about a week in advance, then again three days before the event, and on the same day. In between reminders he will forget all about it because he likes his head nice and uncluttered. Just like me.

And in all of this the thinking about the things I have to do takes more energy than the simple doing of the things would do, only you can’t do all the things at once, and so you have to think about them, and make lists and stuff.

I might be doing something wrong, though. What do you think? Are your lives and to-do-lists feeling as overwhelming as mine?