creative.mother.thinking

All in all a pretty good day, can’t complain. I felt happy right from the start even though I only slept for something like 5 1/2 hours. But didn’t feel all tired. Weird.

Because the days before had been all sloth I pulled myself together and that felt really good.

Did not run because the weather was pretty sick. There was a storm and pelting rain. I briefly considered walking in the streets but even that felt too dangerous. Not even my husband went out in that. So I did the strength training I skipped the day before. And it was fun. Kind of. I’m sore all over.

I’ve been using the „Bodyweight“ app for my strength training, I also own the two books. And for a long time I’ve been doing the same program over and over, and nothing was changing. So I decided to up my game, and to start the ten week-program in the app. On the easiest setting. Well, I had to scale back some of the exercises because I couldn’t do them, and today I’m sore all over, so I count that as a win. And am looking forward to doing day 2 this afternoon. I also hope to go for a run in the morning.

I also thought some more about limiting beliefs and I think I found one. I always keep forgetting that one, and it is:

If I live up to my potential nobody will like my anymore.

As I said I keep forgetting about that one. And I think that is why I never mind making my goals public and then failing at them. Because I think it will make everybody else feel better. There are one or two people in my life who have made it clear that they like me better when I’m not too successful, by the way, that’s a very old story. But I’ll try to not believe that for the rest of my life.

„Oh, I could have done all the things that would have made me happy but then no one would have wanted to hang out with me. They like me better when I’m slightly unhappy (not too much, though).“ is not what I want to say looking back on my life.

Of course, now that I know, all my self-sabotaging will vanish without a trace. Yep. Sure.

I also wrote 700 words yesterday, not really what I wanted but enough to make my 500 words per day goal for January. And right now writing every day is a little more important than finishing this first draft fast.

And then, and that’s the really great thing, I actually pulled out the sewing machine. I mean, yes, I put it on the kitchen table and then sat next to it for two hours reading (Sarina Bowen is really, really good.) but then I started sewing the muslin for the Dottie Angel frock. And I’m even doing the ridiculously fussy seam treatments. The whole thing is finished inside and out. With bias tape over some seams and French seams in other places. I’m not quite sure that’s necessary but I will learn how to do this. And screw up the muslin. Let’s just say that top-stitching is not my forte.

And then I helped the boy with his paper a little, and for now it’s done – only one day late – and watched some „Dollhouse“ while spinning, and went to bed at a reasonable time.

I call that a win.

Today the plan calls for running, and practice, and writing, and hopefully strength training again (different muscle groups), and in the evening we’ll celebrate my mother-in-law’a 82nd birthday. I’ve been looking forward to the food in that restaurant for weeks now. Mind you, it’s just the Asian restaurant we always go to but I’ll be eating some extra-delicious shrimp that I only ever order on January 4th.

So a full day ahead. If I can avoid the „paralysis because I have to dress up and be somewhere in the evening“-trap after lunch I might be good.

The day started pretty well, we were early with everything and I went grocery shopping and bought new pencils for the drawing exercises. Not that I started those but I like thinking I will.

My husband wanted to make lasagna for lunch, and we did, and it took ages, as it always does, which meant we only had lunch at 2 and had shared a whole bottle of wine until the end of the meal. Cooking was great, though. my husband has decided that since he really loves cooking he will stop stressing out about it, and just enjoy it as much as he can. He usually reaches complete panic mode somewhere in the middle which is no fun, so this is better. I hope it works.

Then I did the dishes right away which was great, and sat down with tea and a new book and some gummy bears.

And then the afternoon got away from me. Same as just about every day in the past ten days. I procrastinated about writing, and about practice, and did not sew, and got really, really cranky in the course of the aftenroon, and basically sat around reading ravelry and blogs until it was time for dinner, and then watched a webinar about „Setting Creative Intentions for 2018“.

That was the first ever live webinar I attended, and there were technical difficulties, and at least I had my knitting with me, made nice progres on a sock heel while listening to stuff that I already knew. What I did not know was that this was supposed to be a year-long course with monthly webinars, and so we got fed the information in very small bites.

There is a reason why I prefer to get my information by reading because then I can influence the speed. If there’s a paragraph with stuff I already know I can skip it even.

I love learning new and better ways of doing stuff but I just might have consumed enough goal-setting and self-help that I can skip on the beginner’s classes.

I’m reading „Your Best Year Ever“ right now, and while this is a very good book and I had been looking forward to reading it I am stumped in a similar way. I read about „self-limiting beliefs“ yesterday and now I’m wondering if I have any.

I’ve been coming to the conclusion that that’s all about feelings and drama, and I don’t need it. I have these moments when I feel like the worst writer ever, and that I can never write anything, and likewise I have other moments where I feel invincible. And it’s both completely superfluous. And doesn’t matter. I’ll just push forward at whatever pace I can until I finish this book. And the others. And the next. And eventually I’ll publish stuff as well.

I’m finding it rather hard to judge myself. I’m both lazy and industrious, I’m both good and bad with people, I’m both athletic and a couch potato, and none of this matters really.

I just look at what I want to do with my life, and then I try to find ways to integrate that into my daily routine, and then I do it. I mean, yes, I will procrastinate and wail and eat all the chocolate in the house to procrastinate the thing I want to do most  – like yesterday – but that doesn’t mean that I have the slightest doubt I can do it.

I think I have an inbuilt optimistic streak that doesn’t really care for the circumstances. And I think I’ve always been that way. And I’ve decided that giving up is just not an option.

Still, I need to change something about my current afternoon routine. Sitting around feeling bad because I don’t do anything is just no fun.

Well, I’ll give it another try today. There will be running, and writing, and music (yes, for real today!), and maybe even the sewing. And I will probably have to help the boy with his paper that would have been due last night, ahem. He did write an email to his teacher and apologized but still.

Oh, and while I was not happy with the amount of music and writing yesterday I did have a short practice session with my husband who is preparing for a house concert in three weeks, and I did write my 500 words. So at least something.

Yesterday was a medium productive day. I’m starting to think that I need to adjust my writing goals because I never reach them. So I decided to write 500 words a day every day in January. I can write more but I don’t have to. Since that takes me about fifteen minutes it should be doable. But then I always say that. We’ll see.

Last night I decided that I wanted sleep more than writing and turned the lights off at nine. I slept like a log until my alarm went off at 6.30. It was glorious.

Today there will be a lot of grocery shopping (I even went out for milk before breakfast), and some strength training (it’ll be interesting to see what will prevent us from doing that today), and a bit of writing, and practice and such, and maybe a little sewing as well. But then I’ve been saying that for weeks now and there hasn’t been any. Funny, how the sewing machine never unpacks itself.

I’d think that if I only had a dedicated place for sewing, things would be much better but I know that’s not true. You know how people always tell you to do things like put on your workout clothes first thing in the morning to make it easier to exercise? Every single time I do that I end up not exercising. My husband and I have found the same to be true when teaching. Every single time you prepare for a lesson in some special way and set everything up just so the student will cancel.

One explanation for the workout clothes thing might be that my unconscious thinks that wearing the clothes was already enough. Like when you visualize an achievement like how you will be feeling after finishing your novel your mind will go all, „Oh, good, we’ve done that already.“ Which is why you should visualize how you do something, and how you deal with obstacles and unexpected things.

As you can tell I’m all about planning and thinking and goal-setting these days.

All while feeling like I’d rather crawl back into bed. This fatigue is driving me a bit nuts I have to say.

Thirteen days until the next doctor’s appointment.

We had a rather slow day yesterday which was kind of nice.

The cheese fondue for dinner was the best ever. We used the cheese that we had been given as a gift from my husband’s uncle and aunt who live in a region near the Alps that is famous for its cheese. For a reason, apparently.

Then the boy and I watched numerous episodes of „How I Met Your Mother“, we watched some „Star Trek“ and the inevitable „Dinner for One“ as a family, had champagne and snacks, ignored the fireworks as hard as possible, talked quite a bit, and went to bed around 2 am.

All of us declared that we like our normal days better than the ones that are supposed to be special. The boy complained about having to stay up late several times but didn’t want to go to bed anyway.

I slept until 8.45 which is pretty unheard of. Now I’m having a bit of a headache and have that slightly displaced feeling that comes with the change of routine. My hip and back tell me they didn’t like all the sitting around I did yesterday so I guess I’ll go out for my usual Monday run soon.

I haven’t started my bullet journal for the new year, that’s something I’ll sit down with this afternoon, I guess. I’ll write down my goals for the next year, and my monthly and weekly spread (everything at once this year – which I like in a way), and the overview over the next six months.

Other than that I’m hoping that the day will just be a normal day without teaching.

I wish you all a very happy and healthy New Year, and thanks for reading.

So I actually slept longer than usual today, my husband got up early and did not build a fire in the wood stove and all of that results in a slightly later daily blog post (shrugs shoulders).

I am still trying to wrap my head around 2017 as a whole, and failing. I’m also still not writing, no idea why. I am completely low on energy all day so that might have something to do with it.

I am contemplating all kinds of things like restricting social media (I have the suspicion that my feeling of „It’s all too much!“ stems from consuming too much social media at least in part.), or not eating sugar and drinking alcohol until my weight is back down where I want it to be, or like doing loads of challenges.

I don’t really do New Year’s resolutions but I am doing goals this year and I might write my goals down and put them on the side of the fridge even. We’ll see.

Yesterday was spectacularly unproductive but I’m completely okay with that. No idea if I will write any words today or not. I am still thinking about how to develop a daily writing habit, though. Not for the blog which is going rather well at the moment but for fiction. I have been thinking about the fact that I spend some time every morning writing several hundred words for the blog, and have also been thinking that I might use that time and energy for fiction but right now the solution of just spending less time online reading stuff and more time offline writing stuff seems more attractive.

Today will be mostly a normal Sunday, there will be leftovers for lunch because we have a ton of them, and we are planning to make cheese fondue tonight (not a normal Sunday activity). We will all do our thing during the day, and in the evening we have planned to watch some „Star Trek“ together, and maybe some concert videos (we started recording conerts this morning at 6; there is „Pop around the Clock“ on TV again, and the ones that really interest us are all on in the early morning), and of course „Dinner for One“.

There might be champagne in the fridge. I might decide to go to bed before midnight even. I remember that last year the whole thing stopped being fun somewhere between 10 and 11, as it always does. But the boy told me I’m not allowed. We’ll see.

I ran out of yarn on the crochet blanket which means I will be ordering tons of yarn today. And I almost bought a book even though I have new rules in place. (I’m trying the “buying way less books“-challenge yet again.) But then I found that the book is available in a German translation as an ebook at my library so I’ll be reading that in German for a change.

I don’t think I will be able to think everything through that I want to in one day so I’m giving myself another week or so for that.

2017 on the whole was a rather full and interesting year, that much is clear.