Susanne

I really shouldn’t complain. And especially not because I’m having so much spare time on my hands. Because I’m a teacher I don’t have to work during summer break, or any school holidays. In theory this is wonderful. I don’t even mind earning less so that I have more time; but. Here’s the big “But”:

I’m having big issues with structure. That is with a lack of structure. As embarassing as it is, each friday I’m having a mini-breakdown because of the looming weekend. It’s not because of a fear of boredom. On the contrary, I’m weight down by the sheer number of possibilities. These are the days that I seem to have the time to do everything I can’t do on a workday. Clean the house, declutter, sleep in, read, view films, and produce a CD. Or something like it, anyway.

I try to stop having great expectations for weekends. In my experience free days offer only a little more free time than not-free-days. There still are the chores, and then I tend to do everything just a little bit slower on my free days and to have long conversations with my husband. And then the day is gone.

All this would not be a problem if I could do everything I want to (or even most of what I want to) in a workday, but there’s not quite enough space for something like writing songs in a full week day. So sometimes I have to chose between exercise and practice. Practice or reading. A free day should have space enough for at least two of these things.

It’s easier when I’m not at home, because then my expectations are lower. We’re looking around, talk and rejoice. Only after about a week of looking, talking and rejoicing we’re becoming real cranky, because we’re not making music. this is why we never travel for more than a week. It’s not me, my husband also becomes homesick after a short time.

I didn’t even like breaks and holidays when I was still going to school myself. I always looked forward to the beginning of school. So I had a reasonable schedule and was able to learn something and to meet people.

Since then nothing changed. Having a child helps a lot with the structure issue. A child gives me a reason to keep the same meal- and bedtime on my days off. But little by little we’re eating later and my child’s bedtime shifts. So does mine, because I don’t want to spend all of my precious evening time to brush my teeth and get ready for bed.

Nonetheless I’m still hoping because of the possibilities that summer break brings. I’m still hoping to use my free time wisely. And I’m still dreaming of becoming such a mature person that I’ll be able to cope with a free life without an imposed structure. The one fear I don’t have is the fear of being lazy and doing nothing.

Our big summer break is almost over, but I’m still waiting for that vacational feeling. My dear husband is doing one chore after the other, and the weather has been far from summerly.

I have planned to do the routines (aka household chores) faithfully and disciplined, schedule weekly excursions and every day to write a little song, even if it’s only short or ridiculous. You might cross your fingers for me.

How are you feeling? Do you love summer break? Retreat to the beach immediately? Or are you glad and sad at the same time when school starts again, like I am?

I got my postcard! Ever since the participants of Blogger Postcards from the World sent off their postcards, I have been waiting for the postcard I was about to receive, and here it is:

So now you can see why it took so long. It came all the way from the other side of the world, from New Zealand. It was sent to me by Bron. As she wrote in her blog, it’s a little joke about her husband Jonathan.

What a nice event that has been. I don’t remember the last time I received a postcard. Or wrote one.

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(Note: I wrote this while on my way to my sister’s wedding. I didn’t know what to do with it. It was written with the blog in mind, that’s why I wrote it in English. So here it is, an open letter to my sister.)

So my little sister is getting married. I almost typed “Who would have thought”, but in fact it is not such a big surprise. But it wouldn’t have been a surprise either if she and her boyfriend had just lived together for the rest of their lives. The only thing that would really have been surprising would have been their separation.

I can’t say much about her husband-to-be. Mostly he is a voice on the telephone saying “Hello.” and “Yes, she’s in, I’ll give her the phone.” But the two times we met I found him very mellow, a little quiet (hard to be anything else in the company of me and my family), intelligent, nice and interesting.

So the only one I can tell something about is my sister. I know her quite good, you know, we spend our childhood together. In fact, she’s my little sister (I know, I have mentioned it). Last time she called on my answering machine, she said “Hello, this is your annoying little sister.” Well, she’s not as annoying to me as she used to be. The one thing that helps is the fact that we don’t have to share a room any longer. At the beginning of this year I would have said that she’s still driving me crazy, but right now I’m glad she did, because for the first time in our lives we told each other what we dislike about each other. Well, the first time since kindergarten anyway.

And then, you know, my sister is not very little anymore. She’s quite big and a lot taller than me. And has been since I were 16 and she 12. You know, four years seem to be a lot, when you’re four and your sister’s just a baby, but when your 39 (almost), the difference is neglectible.

We haven’t been close. Last June I saw her for the first time in a year and the last time before that, my son was still a baby. And we’re not talking a lot on the phone. For years our contact was through our mother, like “Oh, and by the way, your sister is moving in with her boyfriend.” And then I thought, it’d be a good thing to talk to her once in a while, because she’s the only sister I’ll ever have. And only because you didn’t like to share a room with someone as a child, you don’t have to go on resenting that person forever.

Our intense talks on the phone in the last few months have cleared the sky a little bit. And now I can see better, where we are different and alike.

Our parents tend to point out our differences. So she became the painter and architect and I became the musician. I the rational and she the emotional one. I the over-achiever and she the loser. Oops. (Parents be careful. There is enough success for everyone.)

Only when we both moved out into the world could we see that our interests are alike too. She took singing lessons, I took a drawing class, we read some of the same books (although it is really interesting that two people who both devour science fiction and fantasy books (and detective novels) can come up with quite different bookshelves. But we both have lots of them. (Yeah, bookshelves, and books, of course.)

We share an interest in graphic novels, music, computer games, knitting, design and esoteric things. During the last years whenever one of us sheepishly told the other one a new enthusiasm for things like tarot cards, astrology, yoga or tai chi, the other would say; “Oh, you too?”

It’s strange to have someone who is so strange and so alike at the same time, but then that’s one of the big marvels in all families. You know, I’m a Leo with an ascendent Sagittarius and she’s a Sagittarius with an ascendent Leo. (And my son too.)

So we both have big egos, a high sense of moral, like to travel, like to be center stage, are warmhearted and generous, prone to prejudice, but very forgiving. And there the similarities end.

The reason I’m writing this is that marriage marks the end of adolescence. Yes, even today. And even if you have lived together for ages it doesn’t have the same sense of founding a family of your own. Officially, culturally. You know, living together is private, a commitment between two people. Marriage is an institution. It’s legal, it’s public. You’re declaring your independence of your family of origin.

I believe that ritual makes a difference. So you shouldn’t marry because of tax reduction, it should be a soul thing. And it marks the time where you really grow up.

Little sister, let me tell you, while I’ll certainly never stop feeling protective towards you, you’re officially not little any more. And of course I wish you well. May you and your future spouse be blessed in your marriage. May you both live your dreams and find your place in the world. May your relationship be lasting and joyful.

Technorati Tags: open letter, sister, wedding

Thinking about what to write next, I couldn’t decide and so I consider myself tagged by Julie Meloni of no fancy name.

1. One book that changed your life?
“The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron. When somebody at a singer’s workshop told me about it, I thought, “Oh, another crappy, new age book. Why would anybody read this, let alone do those exercises?”. Immediately I went to the next bookshop and bought it. (Had to go to two bookshops, even.) I only read it, when I ran out of books to read on vacation, then I started doing the program. Now, seven years later, I’m still doing “morning pages” every day.

2. One book you have read more than once?
Very funny this one. The books on my shelves that I haven’t read more than once are mostly scientific ones. Since I’m currently housing about 900 books, everything not considered essential, classical or re-readable gets ferried to the library for its book sale. Books that I have read over and over include:

• all Lord Peter novels by Dorothy L. Sayers (started at the age of twelve with very bad translations, bought all of them in good German translations in the 80s, and consider buying them all again in English)
• all of Terry Pratchett’s Discworld novels. Every time a new one comes out (that’s twice a year), I read that and then all of the old ones in chronological order.

3. One book you would want on a desert island?
Only one? I don’t know, the bible maybe, something lengthy with lots of stories.

4. One book that made you laugh?
I’ll pick one of the not so recent Terry Pratchett books with Maskerade. A book about opera, witches, and cats. Among others.

5. One book that made you cry?
The first book ever to make me cry was probably “Der Schut” by Karl May. (I just spent twenty minutes with goggle trying to determine the title of the hook, since it’s part of a series and I don’t own it.) There’s a scene, where the protagonist’s horse dies, that left me weeping when I was ten years old.

6. One book you wish had been written?
I wish the last Harry Potter book had already come out, but I’ll have to wait.

7. One book you wish had never been written?
You know, it’s easy to avoid books you don’t like.

8. One book you are currently reading?
Um,

• “With a daughter’s eye. A memoir of Margaret Mead & Gregory Bateson” by Mary Catherine Bateson,
• “The Architecture of All Abundance: Seven Foundations to Prosperity” by Lenedra J. Carroll,
• “the history of early witchcraft” by Susan Greenwood, “the unmistakable touch of grace” by Cheryl Richardson,
• “Melody in Songwriting” by Jack Perricone,
• and the next novel waiting to be read is “Until I find you” by John Irving

9. One book you have been meaning to read?
“Thinking in jazz” by Paul F. Berliner (thick as a brick, with a lot of references).

10. Now tag five people:
Like Julie before me I tag…YOU, times five!

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