I woke up with this super paralyzed feeling. I mean, not literally paralyzed, thank Bob but feeling like I couldn’t move and couldn’t do anything and was destined to stay in bed doing nothing but scrolling and reading for the rest of my life . You know how it is. Or maybe you don’t, no idea.
I know that feeling isn’t real, or maybe it is, I don’t care, but I know if I wait long enough it will go away.
I tried making myself do my morning routine but nope. I did set the table and open the windows and took my meds but then I just sat there and read someone’s newsletter on my phone. It was a good one but not the best time of day for this.
Anyways, I felt like I was deep in despair and life would never be good and I would never get anything done ever again.
I got up shortly before my husband came over for breakfast and we ate together.
I was still feeling paralyzed, I even talked with my husband about it who said he couldn’t really give me advice.
So this was it. I would just spend the rest of my days sitting there feeling miserable. Of course.
I went online again, I looked at my to do-list and could already feel myself in that slump I always get into after lunch, only this time it started early. Early as in the evening before.
I knitted a bit, feeling like the sleeve I was making didn’t grow at all (which seems to be a common feeling, the Yarnharlot calls it ‚sleeve island‘), growing completely sure that the sweater won’t be finished in time for my trip and feeling generally meh.
Then I found myself thinking I have so many big, on-going projects and that they are so vast I could work and work and work and never finish. So I pulled out my notebook and made a list of those projects. I grouped them according to theme:
- EM1 – format paperback
- EM2 – make ebook
- MR – final draft
- UFOs – buttons on Lauriel, finish striped cardigan
- Chinese – apps, read, write
- Music – learn Chopin piece, play piano for fun, pull out ukulele, read books about playing the piano
- Teaching – read books about learning
- Courses – Instagram for authors, website builder course, iPhone photography
- House – deep clean bathroom
- Health – eat less, do regular exercise
Once I had finished that list I felt immediately better. I mean, that’s not that bad, is it? A mere ten projects! (Shh, I know, don’t say it.) All of a sudden it felt way more doable for some reason. And most of these things will be fun or at least rewarding.
And with that my motivation changed. Snap!
I got up from the kitchen bench, did the dishes, changed the sheets on my bed and started cleaning. I also realized why the message ‚mend duvet cover‘ had been popping up on Tuesday. Well. I did push that to the last minute but I did it before going to bed.
My husband cooked, I put the shower curtain in the washing machine, and I went around the house with a feather duster. Lunch was very good with cucumbers from our yard:
I took a break, ate some chocolate and read for a bit, was just about to get up when the boy finally came downstairs for his lunch. This time we talked a bit and then I went straight to doing the dishes. Yeah, I’m shocked too.
I did some more cleaning. I had high hopes that I could do at least 15 minutes of something publishing-related but that didn’t work. I went straight from cleaning to Zoom. Oh, but I did manage to vacuum the top of the curtain rod in the bathroom and all the small nooks and crannies where dust accumulates over time. I gave myself permission not to do the whole bathroom but only a small part of it.
In between I went upstairs to talk with my mother-in-law, and then it was time for one of those Zoom calls. This one, fittingly, about how to deal with burnout and overwhelm. Which also meant 90 minutes of knitting time. I actually did Zoom in the living room because it was 2 degrees cooler there than in my studio. But that meant spending 90 minutes on an unrelenting wooden kitchen chair, not my favorite.
After that I met the boy for bodyweight training. I really didn’t want to at first but then resigned myself to it until I enjoyed it.
I ate dinner and read some more, did Duolingo, started writing this post, made a list for today in my journal, finally got needle and thread out and fixed that duvet cover. I only had a few minutes for C-drama after that, unfortunately my Chinese is not good enough to sew while watching. I still need subtitles for most of it.
So fingers crossed my motivation continues into today. It also should be somewhat cooler which will help.
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