Aug 162007

This is the first time ever that I have been tagged twice for something. By Lisa of u-handbag and another “bag lady”, Joanna of joanna bags. As far as I know this is just the basic 8 random things about me-meme.

  1. Something I wrote has been put up by another blogger. (We belong to the same writing group. Look at the top of her sidebar. (Well, her blog’s sidebar, really.)) It is quite macabre and not what I’m usually writing. I did it as a homework assignment for the writing group. The assignment was to write something titled “Open”. All I can say is that I read Neil Gaiman‘s Harlequin story from “Fragile Things” at that time.
  2. Just a few days ago did I realize that so far I have spent more than two weeks of my summer break waiting. I didn’t do anything that couldn’t be interrupted on the drop of a hat. So I did a lot of blog reading but not a lot of writing, making music or sewing.
  3. While I wrote a sweet little line in my last post about my feet being prone to dance I haven’t danced in years. One reason for this is that Germans don’t dance at parties. Another that I gave up jazz dance and hip hop when pregnant. I could just dance around the house, but I never do.
  4. I spent three of the last five weekends away from home. With my family. Each weekend involved an overnight stay complete with sleeping bags. Once we even packed the tent. We were at two parties, and visited with friends who live next to Austria.
  5. I have gone from an extravert to an introvert in the course of the last few months. When I first did the Myers-Briggs test in June I scored as a ENFP. I did it again at the beginning of August and now I’m obviously a INFJ. That’s Introvert, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judgmental. Now I know why I haven’t been enjoying parties anymore. Apart from parties among middle-aged couples being a little, um, boring, I have gone from the one in the middle of the crowd who tells the funny stories to the one at the edge of the crowd bringing her crocheting. And leaving early.
  6. I have felt quite lonely for the past few weeks. I turned 40 on July 27th, and apart from my family there was: an e-mail of a friend that came a week too early (She had remembered my birthday the first time ever though. We have been friends for almost 20 years.), a phone call on my answering machine a day late (A friend who told me she’d phone again a few days later. But she didn’t.) and a text message (I never send those) a week late from a friend of my husband. In a way I’m still waiting for a birthday card to arrive. But obviously I don’t have many friends left. – Interestingly I don’t feel lonely anymore since yesterday. You know what I did? I played the piano.
  7. The last thing I’m waiting for is a trip to Paris with my husband at the end of the month. I have never been there and have been wanting to see it for ages. I don’t really know what I want to see, maybe I’ll just soak up the atmosphere. We are only staying for three days so we won’t look at all the pictures, museums and whatnots. What would you want to see in Paris?
  8. If you want to hear me sing you can go to my husband’s blog and listen to our latest collaboration: dusk

First I thought everybody already did this so I didn’t want to tag somebody. But then I thought, “How about tagging people who don’t get tagged that often?” So I’m tagging Sabrina who has just moved to New York (an went on hunger-strike to get a job, obviously), Adrian who is on vacation but he will have to do it when he comes back, my husband for his German blog (This is for the ones of you who can read German.), and also I’d like to hear from the people reading here who don’t have a blog of their own. Leave your “8 things about me” in the comments, please.

(By the way you can leave anonymous comments here on my blog if you don’t have a google account but you can also go to the “other” option and just type a name into that form. You don’t even have to give an e-mail address.)

If you do have your own blog feel free to steal it.

Aug 092007

Sage tagged me for this meme. And being me I followed it back to the beginning (always very satisfying for the suppressed researcher in me), and of course I had to look up Stuart Smalley. Let me tell you, he is almost completely irrelevant to this meme except that there is a book related to him that’s called “I’m Good Enough, I’m Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me!: Daily Affirmations With Stuart Smalley” and that the Blog Antagonist – who invented the meme – borrowed the phrase and twisted it a little. She wrote:

The theme of this meme is “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it…I like me.” So, in that vein, I am going to name ten things about myself that I like. I’m going to focus mostly on the physical, because that’s what tends to undermine my self-confidence the most. But you can name anything you want. Maybe you have earned a particularly difficult to achieve degree, or you volunteer tirelessly at your child’s school, or you make a really great Peach Cobbler. Anything that makes you feel proud, or happy, or significant.

And then she writes about the ten things she likes about herself and closes the list with:

That was really hard, and it really shouldn’t have been. If the task had been to list things we hate about ourselves, I could have rattled off twenty without even firing a synapse.

How can we possibly love our fellow man if we are consumed with hatred and loathing for ourselves? How can we make this life and this world better, if we are eaten up with negativity and doubt? I think a lot of the bitterness and antipahty that rocks our world every day is nothing more than an extension of deep personal dissatisfaction and disgust.

Where is the love, people?

Stand up, you. Stand up and say “I’m Good Enough, I’m Smart Enough, and DOGGONE it, I like me.” Then give me 10 reasons why.

So here they are, 10 things I like about me. (I’m a little disappointed. I had thought they were supposed to be 10 things I love about me. Whatever. (I’m a Leo, I can’t help it.))

  1. I really love how my body feels from the inside. In the past years I have become much more aware of that and for the most I feel strong and healthy and right. Capable. Free from pain. Sensual.
  2. I am fiercely loyal. Like Liv, I love BIG. Especially my husband and son. When I love someone that love and loyalty usually stays.
  3. I love that I have managed to change habits that were old and deeply ingrained in me. Now I know that it is possible to heal, and to change. Not beyond recognition but a little nearer to my potential.
  4. I love that I am a creative person. (Okay, that was a hard one.) I always take it for granted, but there might be people who are not constantly having ideas, hatching plans, and inventing stories.
  5. I love my feet. Not only are they strong and capable, they are slim, and prone to dance.
  6. I like the way I have been able to set my big ego aside for my son. When I was pregnant both me and my husband were secretly thinking that I might not be strong enough to care for somebody else. Especially when I had to go without sleep or food for it. Well, I can. And still do.
  7. I love that I have this feeling that nothing really bad can happen to me. That deep inside me there is a part of me that is always happy, and content, and peaceful.
  8. I love that I am such a patient teacher. Once again something I couldn’t have imagined. Impatient me being kind and gentle with even the most unpromising students.
  9. I love that I haven’t succumbed to a life of housework, and watching TV. I love that I still strive to change the things I don’t like.
  10. I love my voice. Especially when I sing. This hasn’t been always the case but I think, no, I know it has matured. I feel very blessed.

Wow. You should try it, it feels really good. People I’m tagging, let’s see: De (she won’t like it, I know, but I’d really like to see her doing this, it will be beautiful), Chani (don’t really know if she has done this, or is taggable), Hel, Sofia (she has to get used to memes, I think), Joanna and Lisa. I know that are more than five people. So what?

Oh, and don’t forget to go and have a look at the just post roundtable for July:

Jul 232007

Like last year I won’t be attending the BlogHer-conference (Sniff!) but then I’m not entirely sure that I would want to spend my fortieth birthday traveling halfway around the world. Anyways, I will be staying right here. But this meme is also for people who don’t attend. (And Her Bad Mother said something about a list of people who aren’t going.)

This year the task was to write something in 10 seconds. (Very funny, isn’t it? They probably meant that it could be read in ten seconds. Yes, that’s it. Because no one who visits my blog has ever read something that took ten seconds or less either to write or to read.)

Here’s what I wrote on the BlogMe-Thread on BlogHer:

I’m a German music teacher from Germany. I’ll be turning forty on Friday which is one of the reasons why I won’t be going to BlogHer this year. The other is that I will have to teach my students how to sing, play the piano and guitar that day, and that BlogHer is on the wrong continent.

On my blog I’m writing about things like “how to be creative when you don’t have the time”, self-improvement, and occasionally you can hear me sing. I’m mother to a 4 1/2 year old son about whom I blog less than one might think. But I have taken up sewing. Sometimes I even post my to-do-lists.

Really, I should just have copied and pasted my blogger profile. Oh wait, I still can do that:

I’m a piano and singing teacher in midlife crisis. I’m mother to a 4-year-old son, and wife to a wonderful musician who’s teaching electric guitar and bass. Read the chronicles of my attempt to better myself and to be more creative.

Ten seconds… Hahahaha! I hope you all have a fabulous time at the conference.


Jul 062007

Well, who would have thought. I already knew that I am a blogger and I’m quite sure about the girl, ahem, woman part, but rockin’? Me? Thank you very much Hel. Usually I think of myself as more of a jazz person, but then, who doesn’t want to rock.

So I tried to find out where this button came from since I was a little uncomfortable with a button that was just for telling other (female) bloggers, “You rock!” and then have them tag five others until every single female blogger in the world carries the same badge. Not that they shouldn’t.

This button doesn’t come with a handy link like the Thinking Blogger Award that links it back to its original creator, but maybe it should. I spend an hour or two yesterday clicking from post to post, and I found out where it began: It all started with a post called “Why not start something?” by Roberta Ferguson. She wrote:

I’m starting something today, right here, right now. You get to be in on it. It’ll be fun and it will build us a community of one sort: girl bloggers. Or, better yet, “Rockin’ Girl Bloggers”. How do you like that?

As an aside, I also saw just now that she has a music blog, and on that I found a blog called “A Singer’s Life” complete with a Singer’s Blog Carnival. How cool is that? I have been looking for musician bloggers for ages.

So the “Rockin’ Girl Blogger” button is for women and empowerment. So all is good. By the way it was totally meant to be stolen right from the start. I’m still a bit reluctant about stealing memes (or am I?) but Hel totally did the right thing. Because this badge is meant to be stolen. And if you don’t like it in pink because that clashes with your blog, or if you are not considering yourself to be a girl, you might want to look at what Jess did to the badge:

While this award is about power to women bloggers, I don’t feel particularly powerful at the moment. I’m spread a little thin (nice euphemism, isn’t it?) and am longing for summer vacation which still is three weeks away. And I don’t even like summer vacation! So, every time I don’t feel especially powerful I have to remember that the number of dear readers I have now would have made me all giggling with joy just a short year ago. And that there were quite a few people writing and thinking about pink shoes last month because I wrote about it.

So I’m going to tag a blogger or two. Just so they can feel a bit more powerful and part of a blogging community. Because there is such a thing. It is a little weird, it is self-chosen and in flux but it is a community. If you doubt it, just have a look at the Just Post roundtable.


Most of my favorite bloggers already are the proud owner of a rocking girl blogger award (and anyone who isn’t, feel free to grab it and make it your own), so I’m going to give one to:

No need to know how, who has all of three blog posts up until now. I found her blog through a comment she left on Christine Kane’s blog. I’m really looking forward to hear more of her.

Then I’m giving one to Sofia of Sofia says. She has about half a dozen blogs or so, but she either doesn’t do memes or she doesn’t get tagged, I don’t know which. (And we’ll find out soon enough.) She’s one of the few bloggers I have met in real life. (Actually I’m going to meet her just tomorrow.)

Then there’s Joanna of Joanna Bags. She already has six blog posts out. She makes gorgeous bags and I found her through the u-handbag flickr-pool. (And if you only remotely like purses I recommend to take a look at the pool too.

Now I have to go and teach another student so I leave it at three. I would have loved to give an award to every single blogger on my blogroll but then I would have had to spend three days writing about them all and you would have had to spend hours reading about them and that’s a little too much.

You know you all rock…

Jun 122007

I’m always so happy when I get tagged for something. I suppose this has to do with not being tagged very often. Chani just wrote about the problem that tagging people for memes always leaves someone out. I’m undecided about this. I think you can try all you might but there will always be somebody who feels left out. I know that there are many bloggers out there more popular than me. Of course, bloggers who are read and loved by many do get tagged more often. I don’t think that takes anything away from me. In fact I’m really happy to have a circle of readers who come back. Even though I’m posting infrequently. And if you like a meme, well, do what I usually do – steal it. Though there has been talk that one can go blind when tagging oneself, I doubt it very much. (And I wanted to link to that but it seems to have been at an incarnation of sober briquette’s blog that’s lost to the world. I appreciate it very much that she has named her new archives “I shall not delete” in this new blog-incarnation. I had pondered to backup for her.) At least I’m only extremely short-sighted. (And Chani’s eyesight has been improving lately.)

So, enough for the mangled introduction in which I make fun of my friends. (Sorry, De.). The lovely and extremely flexible (she’s a yoga teacher, what did you think?) Liv of “madness, madness I say!”has tagged me for the four things meme. Off we go:

Four Jobs I’ve Had
1) I worked in a bakery. I was selling bread and buns and cake.
2) I worked in a company that prints labels. I was the one entering all the data into the computer. By hand. I’m really fast at typing numbers.
3) For one year I worked as an assistant at the institute of music education at Munich university. I pretended to work on an encyclopedia of music educators while writing my dissertation.
4) I was a music teacher teaching grades 7 to 12 at a school with mostly disabled students.

Four Movies I Can Watch Over & Over
1) L.A. Story
2) Jumping Jack Flash
3) The Fifth Element
4) all Star Trek Movies with Data

Four Places I’ve Lived
1) Bielefeld
2) Bünde
3) München
4) the place near Munich where I live now. Its name starts with G.

Four Places I’ve Vacationed
(only four?)
1) Ubatuba, Brasil
2) Madeira
3) Tuscany, Italy
4) Germany, all over the place

Four of My Favorite Dishes
1) Green Beans Stew (Grüne-Bohnen-Eintopf) Though I have to say my stew doesn’t look like the one in the picture at all.
2) Garlic Lime Chicken (there is the recipe when you scroll down a little, it’s in English) with broccoli and rice
3) Spaghetti Bolognese cooked by my husband
4) Chicken saté

Four Sites I Visit Daily
You know I have a really long blogroll over there, and there are other blogs that I read too. I won’t pick one over the other though. So, here’s my list:
1) statcounter
2) bloglines
3) psychedelic zen guitar (Well, I’m the tech person for this site… Also, very good music. And pretty pictures.)
4.) Script Frenzy so I can enter my word count (8,524 so far).

Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now
Do I really have to be somewhere else? I’m quite content here in my home in my room with the prospect of a little guitar playing and maybe an episode of “Buffy” while knitting in the future. And then bed… So, if I must:
1.) At the Osteria Italiana in Munich. I may well have eaten the best food in my life there.
2.) At a workshop about tarot cards.
3.) A singing workshop with Bobby McFerrin and Voicestra
4.) At Blogher-Conference

You know, there are a million beautiful places in the world, but the best view doesn’t help if I’m bored, or sick or if my spirit has left. Being at the beach and soaking in the sun is nice for about a day or two. While there are a few cities I’d like to visit sometimes, like Paris or San Francisco, I can as well go out of the house, walk for about five minutes and be on the fields and among the trees. It’s very beautiful there. I could take a train for half an hour and have five beautiful lakes to choose from. Or I could take another train for about ninety minutes and climb the Alps. Or take the first train back for about half an hour again and be in one of the biggest and most beautiful cities in Germany.

So, now for the tagging. First, I don’t want to exclude anybody. Consider yourself tagged. Also, since I am a little behind with the blog reading I don’t really know who has done this or not. But I’d really like to hear De‘s answers to this. When she can spare the time. The last I heard she was buying paint too. And crazymumma’s answers. And now I’d like to go and watch my DVD. Oh, and if you don’t have a blog and want to answer these questions? Do it in the comments. I love comments. Or send me an e-mail.

Apr 062007

I’m all excited because I’ve always dreamed about this. Well, okay, I really was interviewed once in real life at one of our worse performances of Brazilian music but that was real lame, and I’m still not sure if that was a real newspaper person since there never was anything in the paper afterwards. I think she pulled a joke on me especially since she asked me for an autograph. (That had been my first and maybe only autograph ever. See, how famous I am? That comes from performing only in your house. Without an audience.) At least I could have pretended to be interviewed with a real microphone since I have a couple of those.

So, this interview was hosted by Beck of “Frog and Toad are still Friends” who was so kind to send me a bundle of questions over when I screamed “Me too, I wanna be interviewed, pretty please, me too!” in her comments. She also was interviewed (obviously this is a meme) and here’s the link to her answers. When I put myself forward like this I didn’t realize that this was a meme, and since I have been waiting for almost a week before answering the questions, you probably all have done this anyway. If not I’ll send questions to the first five people who write a comment that they want me to. But I warn you it’ll take me awhile for sure.

So, here at last the interview:

1. If you could have one person you’ve lost touch with call you up and invite you to dinner, who would you want it to be?
Argh. I’m really not sure. There are a lot of people I have lost touch with over the years. I could choose someone really nice who obviously isn’t mad at me, a friend of mine in college days. He is a cello player, he was the only one of my male friends who ever called me again after I got married and the reason we lost touch is the time-and-energy-factor only since he sent me and e-mail just three months ago (but hasn’t written since).

I could choose someone whom I haven’t seen for ages like my best friend in elementary school. As I said, there are a lot of options. I’d probably vote for meeting a friend of mine from the German equivalent of high school who decided to move away and see the world for a time, and then never wrote again. I’m thinking about her often and the last time I met another friend of hers (in 1992) he hadn’t heard of her either.

2. Which actress – past or present- should play you in the movie version of your life?
First of all I don’t really think there should be a movie version of my life since the book would be so much better anyway. Second, I don’t know actresses at all. But then, since the actress doesn’t have to look like me because the movie wouldn’t look like my life anyway, I could choose someone really beautiful like Audrey Hepburn or Alyson Hannigan. (Feel free to point me towards actresses who look like me.) But then in a movie version anything could be changed. Maybe I’d end up a blonde anorexic actress or something.

3. What one thing about you has changed the most since childhood?
Um, my first impulse – doubtless prompted by the word anorexic in the last paragraph – was to say my weight. But that’s not important. I’ve become happy, calm and much more patient. (And of course that’s only one thing.)

4. If you could keep only one book that you currently own, which one would you pick?
After thinking that if I could only keep one it wouldn’t matter anyhow and just leave me pen and paper I’d say “Gaudy Night” by Dorothy L. Sayers. Though it would be really cruel to leave me without books. Really cruel. This book is the one that I come back to again and again ever since I was a teenager and read it for the first time in an abridged German version. After re-reading it once or twice a year since then I realized just a couple of weeks ago that this book has shaped a lot of my opinions about the world. And only when I went to look up when I had bought it in English did I realize that I don’t own it in English and have read in an abridged version for years.

Of course one would think that a heavy book like the bible would be a good idea but I think after a while every book would seem stale.

5. Which one thing gives you the most comfort?
Faith and hope (and yes, that is one thing too). If we’re speaking about more tangible things I’d say my bed.

Phew. Thank you Beck for making me think real hard.

Mar 022007

I won, I won! Well, to be precise I got tagged by De. The Thinking Blogger Award got me thinking for a couple of days. First, I didn’t really got how it works and then I had to think of whom to tag. And then, thanks to the research power of a librarian I actually was pointed to the origin of the Thinking Blogger Award at the Thinking Blog. And as one might guess from the new and improved title of my blog I’m all for the thinking.

A little light thinking always makes my day though I reserve the heavy thinking for Sundays and professionals. It was easy to come up with a list of bloggers that I wanted to give the award to but then I found each one of them already got one: De, Jen, Mad, Chani, Her Bad Mother and Beck. And I didn’t really know if I wanted to tag bloggers who think or bloggers who make me think. Then I briefly considered tagging the whole of my blogroll including the blogs that I read which are not on the blogroll. Then I shut down for a day or two (My motto at the moment is “Relax and Refocus”, and I’ll tell you why in a day or two. Promise.)

So, I was looking for bloggers who think (or whom I think to be thinking), whom I read and who don’t have a Thinking Blogger Award yet. And then it hit me! They don’t have to be bloggers who read my blog! I might have to tag them by e-mail but that made the whole task much easier. So I’m giving a Thinking Blogger Award to (drum roll please!):

Christine Kane, who always makes me think. Her blog is what mine wants to be when it grows up minus the animals and plus the child. Okay, maybe I’ll have a cat someday.

Jory DesJardins who writes deep and insightful posts and is living proof that a blog doesn’t need to be updated ten times a day to be extraordinary.

Frau Kaltmamsell who is one of the few German bloggers whose blog I genuinely like and who is thinking about everything that comes her way, be it food, people or poker. (Mostly people of course.) And who is living proof that even blogs which are updated a couple of times a day can be thoughtful.

Lia, also living in Germany but not German who tends to write short observational posts. She writes that her blog is meant to be like overheard pieces of conversation…

And Nneka who is writing about spirituality applied to life (and who’s on the “meditation diet” too).

Writing this post was really hard. For one I’m sick and my brain is only barely functional, but for two I had a hard time leaving people out. On the other hand (there’s always another hand for me, isn’t it?) this is a chain-letter-like meme so eventually everybody will get included.

Now I have to decide whether to write e-mails informing those five bloggers or just waiting for them to find me through backlinks. What would you do?

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Jan 182007

Ha, I really got tagged this time. Granted, asking somebody “And whom do you tag?” is about as subtle as jumping up and down, frantically waving and yelling “Pick me! Pick me!” on top of you lungs, but still, officially and personally tagged for the first time. Oh, by Meno. Why couldn’t I have reacted to a meme where you don’t have to think, like that itunes-meme I was thinking of stealing. So, questions and answers (and no multiple choice)

1. If you had to choose one vice in exclusion of all others, what would it be?
I didn’t know you get to choose the vices. I’d say over-indulgence. But I could have said beer. But that’s not a vice. Isn’t it?

2. If you could change one specific thing about the world, what would it be?
I would give all people complete awareness and enlightenment. But I think it doesn’t work that way.

3. Name the cartoon character you identify with the most.
Cartoon character? As in animated? I’ll copy this one from Meno and say Daria. I haven’t watched the show on a regular basis, but I liked her a lot.

4. If you could live one day in your life over again, which day would it be?
Well, only if you force me to. Maybe May 1st, 1994, when after our second date, my husband-to-be and I realized that we’d be staying together. It was spring, we went to the station hand in hand, and sat down on a bench looking at green and yellow fields and trees. Sigh. Though I don’t know, I spent the rest of the day working on my dissertation.

5. If you could go back in history and spend a day with one person, who would it be?
A writer I would have loved to meet, but who probably wouldn’t have been that interested in meeting me, would be Carolyn Heilbrun.

6. What is one thing you lost, sold, or threw away that you wish you had back?
Um. No regrets. New things are always so much more exciting.

7. What is your one most important contribution to this world?
Teaching people they can be creative, and that there is another lifestyle apart from being a “muggle”.

8. What is your one hidden talent that nearly no one knows about?
If I have one, it is hidden to me too. Though I may have a very hidden talent for drawing. I never draw, so I’m not good at it, but when I concentrate, sometimes one glances a sparkle of talent, inherited from my father and grandfather.

9. What is your most cherished possession?
This means things, doesn’t it? My piano. Though my computer comes in a close second. I have lived without computer and without piano. Without piano was worse. But then, why should I have to choose? (And if I only had the money, I’d buy a new piano in a split-second.)

10. What one person influenced your life the most when growing up?
Obviously my mother. (If Meno finds that exorcist, send her over to my place too, please.) Second, maybe Dorothy L. Sayers.

(I know it said one person, I’m not stupid, I have listened, but almost everybody is highly influenced by her mother. To say otherwise would be lying. But my mother is not the person that shaped my thinking much.)

11. What word describes you better than any other?
Confused? I’ll settle for complex. Ah, no, now I got it: woman.

Phew, describing a person with one word. I’m certainly not a one-word-person. Even when people are asking me for my sign I’ll say, “Leo with ascendent Sagittarius, but I’m not that fiery, because I have that Saturn on my moon in Aries, and then there’s this whole bunch of planets on top of my horoscope with all that scorpionic and plutonic influence, but my family is very fishy…”)

Okay, I’ve done it. That’s a tough one. So, anybody who wants to do this meme, feel tagged. I’m especially tagging De and Liv, who probably have better things to do with their time. (Psst, and if you’re to cool for memes? Just ignore it.)

Jan 102007

First of all, today is the day of the very first “just post” awards.

I had planned to write a beautiful post about handicapped people, but then life got in the way and you’ll have to wait for that one. Since the “just post”-award is still very young, there hasn’t been that much participation yet, but we’ll just promote it in the months to come. Oh, and this award was the result of the big fat social wedding of Jen and Mad. Since I’m really pressed for time today (and since I’ve really been wanting to do this for quite a time), I consider myself tagged with the “5 things you don’t know about me”-meme by Mir. (And when I say that you don’t know these things I’m thinking of people only knowing me through the blog, not of people like my sister, though she reads this too.)

  1. I didn’t drink a single drop of alcohol until I was 19 years old. I even refused to sip on something for social reasons. To this day my mother still is shocked, when she sees me drinking a beer. As Mir told about herself, I also was the designated driver for years, and was proud of my high morale standard. I felt very superior to people behaving like a typical drunk. I have to say, though, that even when drunk I never behave like a typical drunk. Like my husband, I only react by first being a little bit louder, then a blurring of speech, and then becoming a little more quiet.
  2. I smoked my very first cigarette when I was eight years old. Me and a couple of friends tried smoking behind a group of bushes in the woods. We felt really grown up and cool. Growing up in a smokers’ household, I neither had to cough or got sick. I held and lit the cigarette like I had done this my whole life. When later I tried to get more cigarettes by stealing a pack or two from my parents, I was found out. Thus ended my career as a smoker. I tried again four years later, but decided not to smoke. I never regretted it.
  3. Every man I ever had sex with was a musician. At first I had a pattern of percussionist, bass player, percussionist, bass player, but then I wandered and dated a pianist and later a clarinet player. Also, I never know how you count it, when you’re having an affair with two men at once. (I had an “open relationship” with the first bass player. Well, I can say this does not work for me.) The last one was also a bass player whom I then married. End of dating history so far, but, I’m grateful to say, not of sex.
  4. You know that when I studied music education my main instrument was – as it still is – voice, but what you don’t know is that my second instrument used to be drums. (Now you know how I met the percussionists.) People who haven’t seen me since that days still think of me as the drummer, but I haven’t touched drums since the end of our Brazilian band seven years ago. (Anyone interested in buying my congas?)
  5. As I’m writing this, I’m depressed again. Not as in “not-functioning and nearly suicidal”-depressed, but as in “feeling as if there were a vortex inside of me sucking away most of my energy”-depressed. Since wondering if I maybe am slightly bipolar, I haven’t had another “episode”. Only things like PMS. Before Christmas my husband said he thought I might be in a “manic” state. Of course I wasn’t, I only had a lot to do. Um. And I didn’t feel like I was soaring high. I didn’t take on lots of new projects. Mild overdrive due to circumstances. But since we returned from my parents I have been glued to the computer, checking e-mail about every other second, reading blogs and waiting for the evening which I spent in front of TV. Then going to bed too late, of course. And repeat. With the firm intention to do better the next day. And repeat. After four days of this, it dawned on me that this was not normal. I was feeling depressed. On Sunday I thought I had come out of it. Only to realize today that I’m still in it. The problem is, in a way, that I don’t have times anymore where I declare myself sick despite a lack of symptoms and then spend days in bed. I’m no longer living alone, I have work to do, I have family. And I know that I don’t feel better, when I’m staying in bed. So I get up, I make breakfast, I do minimal household chores, I talk to my family, I even am happy at times, but there’s a part inside of me that has gone numb and wishes to stay that way. I know that eventually I will come out of it and that exercise, enough sleep, real food, cuddling and walks in the woods help. But I don’t know what’s happening. There are triggers, but there are no deep reasons. Weird.

So this is the reason, why I haven’t posted, why I’m sounding a little off.

So this month I’ll have to rely on others to change the world for the better. Please go and look at the just post awards. (And don’t worry about me, please.)

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