Comments on: Green-eyed monsters under the bed

By: Joanna

Joanna — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 21:51:32 +0000

I have been reading your interesting blog for some time. And in general, I would say you are too hard on yourself in lots of matters! Anyhow I think you are doing a fabulous job on this issue and it sounds like you are already making some progress.
To add my thoughts, I don’t think you should worry too much about the whys and wherefores of the fear. Yes, the fear is genuine, but talking about it and analysing it too much may just help it stick in his mind. It may become almost a habit.
My advice would be to take it one step at a time and concentrate on the behaviour that causes you most distress. For me, I would say that would be disturbed sleep. I fall very quickly into the doldrums if my sleep is disturbed and that makes anything else that my kids do harder to deal with!
So maybe it does not matter too much initially where he sleeps (on your floor) as long as he does not disturb you? Similarly maybe it does not matter if he wants to be with you in the evening as long as you are comfortable and can do the things you would normally do. Prepare to let him be close to you if that is what he needs, but do not let yourself be less comfortable or less happy in the process.
Anyway, I would concentrate first on strategies to stop him waking you in the night and not get bogged down with the big picture. If he does wake you, be brief and not too sympathetic and may sure he knows you expect and believe he can deal with this on his own using the power of his mind.

By: De

De — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 11:50:05 +0000

There’s nothing I can add except to say that I am sorry and I hope your solution works. I believe that children want their parents so much that they are unable to draw a reasonable line between themselves and us, and that we have to be very firm in doing that for them. It is painful for all for a period, and can seem quite harsh to people who don’t believe in these methods.

By: Denguy

Denguy — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 21:01:07 +0000

I don’t understand the fear thing, my kids are afraid in their own house during the day. The ask me why I’m not afraid of anything and I just say it’s because I’m grown up, I guess.

By: Susanne

Susanne — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 15:20:41 +0000

Thanks for all your thoughtful comments.

We already tried asking him what to do as well. We also talked about it, let him draw the devil, and my husband found the scene he was afraid of on the internet. They watched it together, and the actor pulls of his mask and is just a teenager. Still.

As a child I didn’t have to deal with my fear all alone, I could talk about it with my mother and she suggested thinking about how the fear was not real, and also the “think of something happy”-strategy. Both of those helped me.

We already have started making an appointment to get somewhat professional help with this.

The contract we signed has helped him so that he has been falling asleep in his bed in his own room twice already. He still comes to my room at night but now he just slips into his sleeping bag on the floor and doesn’t disturb me that much.

By: Sonja

Sonja — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 06:54:45 +0000

Ich als ehemalige “Angstpatientin” würde auch sagen, dass Dein Sohn Panik entwickelt hat. Ich würde es jedenfalls medizinisch abklären lassen, denn das kann noch weiter auswuchern und sich noch länger hinziehen.
ganz liebe Grüße
Sonja

By: Anne

Anne — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 21:42:23 +0000

I do wish you luck. And I never had to deal with this level of fear, either as a child or as a parent. So this is not the voice of experience. Nor the voice of criticism–no way.
That said, I wonder if you could enlist his help or ask for his advice. Maybe he doesn’t hugely want stickers or to go skating. Maybe you need to ask him, “What else do you think would help?” Tell him the story about bears in the basement, and say that that worked for you; and ask him, what would have worked for him? Or what does he think might have worked better for you?
I am wondering if he can think of things that would make things a bit better for him; and if a first step works, or even helps some, then maybe he’ll be able to brainstorm the next step. For example–you need to leave the room; what would make him feel better? A timer to hold in his hand–you’ll be back before the 5 minute gong goes off? Your watch–to return to you when you come back? Holding the ferocious stuffed toy that helped for a while, and might still be good enough for daylight? Take a picture (or several) of the safe places outside the home that he feels fine being alone in, and post them around the room? Or they live on the cell phone, and he can call them up? Is there a magic word charm that he would like to make up, and chant it as necessary? Would he feel better if he made his own magic wand? Or wrote/dictated/drew or illustrated his own story? Drew the monster–and then shredded it? Or cut it into tiny pieces? Or demolished it with a one-punch hole punch?
I see that you have tried tons of ideas of your own, and that’s totally commendable, and you have been creative.
But maybe he has, or could come up with, some input that would help? You dealt with the basement bears on your own. He may need to do some of that self-help too. “But I’m scared.” “What is something that you think that maybe we could do that would help?”
All best wishes.

By: FrauSchlamuser

FrauSchlamuser — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 21:29:19 +0000

Liebe Susanne!

Hm. Gar nicht einfach, was ihr da (alle 3!) durchmacht! Die Ägste Deines Sohnes klingen Deiner Beschreibung nach nicht wie die Ängste, die jedes Kind so hat, sondern wie richtige Angstzustände. Das eine ist mit dem anderen überhaupt nicht zu vergleichen, und meiner Meinung nach sehr ernst zu nehmen. Angstzustände sind was echt fieses. Auch ich rate Euch: Sucht Euch dringend professionelle Hilfe! Ich würde mich auf jeden Fall mal beraten lassen. Ob das was hilft? Keine Ahnung. Aber man soll ja nix unversucht lassen.

Zum Belohnungssystem: Finde ich prinzipiell gut (in Kombination mit konsequentem Verhalten), um Kinder zu motivieren, und sie an gewisse Spielregeln zu gewöhnen.
Ich fürchte aber, daß das in Bezug auf seine Ängste nicht ausreichen wird. Aber wie gesagt: Probiert es aus, laßt nix unversucht. Ein Patentrezept gibt es nie! Vielleicht hilft es ja doch…..

Ganz liebe Grüße und die allerbesten Wünsche!
Kathi