I distinctly remember coming back home from an improvisation workshop last year in May with the firmly set conviction that I had to post an improvisation a week on my blog. Or at least once a month. Since then there was music exactly – once.
I also distinctly remember that the reason for me to move my blog from blogger to my own domain was that blogger no longer allowed me to play my music on my blog because it didn’t accept the code for the player anymore.
So, since music seems to be so important to me, why is it that I don’t make more of it, and don’t post any of it on my blog?
At first I thought I was lazy. And that I’m fooling myself by telling me that I want to be a musician when I grow up. Then there was this day, two weeks ago, when I suddenly felt a bit better than the months before – you know, with the on-going flu – and I sat down and played my piano and sang, and improvised a bit. Something I hadn’t done in months. I did sit down and play during those months but always other people’s songs. Never my own thing.
And then it hit me: I hadn’t been lazy. I had been in constant turmoil, health crisis after parenting crisis, after another. Since fall. It hit me that I took one of the first moments I had, a moment when I felt a bit more myself, and I sat down and made myself some music.
Of course I only sat down twice since then but there might be more space for that in the near future. I hope.
I’m not quite ready to record anything yet, at the moment I feel like someone who hasn’t rode her bicycle all winter long, and now it’s the first time she gets up again. All wobbly and insecure. Nevertheless.
For those of you interested in my music, however little there is, these are the posts where you can hear me sing.
I know what you mean, unfortunately. I need a certain kind of space around me that isn’t full of household worries, family worries, friend worries, any kind of worries in order to write. Sometimes it’s as much as you can do to hold on to all the plates that are already spinning. I’m glad you’ve found some space to be you again.