Lately I’ve been thinking again about friendship and meeting people and being lonely. Which I am. I’m longing for friends. But then there is not much space in my life for people. So I found out that maybe it’s also my fault that I’m not having millions of friends. (Is that possible? Being really connected with millions? Nah.)
So, how not to make friends:
- when you’re outside your home, plug in your earphones and listen to you MP3-player all the time
- when you’re with people, avoid eye contact
- when somebody’s speaking to you, instantly say something that signals that you’re feeling superior. (Like last week, when another preschoolers mother complained that van Gogh is not an appropriate topic for preschoolers and I said, “Oh, my husband immediately showed him the van Gogh-book. My son loves these art books.”)
- when you meet another preschooler’s mother that you like, tell her, “We have to meet during summer break! I’ll phone you.”. Then forget all about it, until you meet her after summer break and she says, “I guess we didn’t meet after all, didn’t we?”
- when you’re bringing and fetching your child, always rush in and out without a minute to spare
- when somebody wants your number to call you and meet say, “Well, I don’t think I’ll be having time for anything until November.”
How to lose the few friends you already have:
- never, ever return phone calls
- phone a friend in August, because you suddenly remembered that she left a message at the end of June. Talk to her, promise her to phone her again two weeks later, because you want to visit her. Think about her every day. Don’t call her. Decide to write a letter. Procrastinate about letter writing for weeks. (Note: Just today I wrote it. Phew.)
- after getting a letter of a friend who’s not feeling very good right now – do nothing. When she follows it with an e-mail – do nothing. Leave a message on her voice mail promising to call again and then – wait for her to write another e-mail. then write a blog-post.(Which makes a kind of sense since she is reading this blog, but still.)
- when a friend of yours is moving, don’t help at all. Phone her once after the move, promise to visit her soon, then do nothing.
Here are the biggies:
- when your best female friend ever introduces you to a guy, then tells you, “He’s interested in me, but I don’t know.” tell her that he is a loser and she’s better off without him. Be surprised, when you don’t hear from her again. A year later receive a card from her: “You former best friend and the loser announce the birth of their first child.”
- when one of your best friends in school is getting married to a woman you never met before, look at her very disapprovingly. Tell him that you think she is way to young for him, and that she only got pregnant to trap him. Tell him that he’ll be sorry that he married her. Wonder for twelve years why you never heard of him again.
- when another of you best female friends ever tells you that she’s no longer interested in the guy, she had a relationship with and still shares a house with, believe her and make out with her ex in front of her. Be surprised when she never talks to you again.
After all of these proofs of your superior social skills, complain that you don’t have friends and that all the people you meet are boring and dumb. Wonder why nobody ever knocks at your door in order to be your friend. Turn to the friendly internet and blogger communities. Rarely comment, never send anybody an e-mail. Never follow any comments up.
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