Then, everytime I found myself thinking about food or feeling fat, I thought about making music instead. I started using my breaks between students for composing instead of eating. I lost nine pounds, and was happy. Even christmas didn’t diminish my euphoria, even if I didn’t lose weight, I didn’t gain either.
I could buy jeans in a regular shop. No more catalogs for “happy sizes“.
I stopped weighing myself and thought I got it. Life would continue to be great.
In spring 2005 I was almost back at my starting point. Frustration hit.
Then there was the time when I thought about joining weight watchers. For the first time in my life I really doubted that I’d be able to eat like a sane person.
Digging deeper I realized this wasn’t about losing weight. This was about gaining control over compulsion. I was so fed up with being fat and losing weight.
First I gave myself a sticker each evening that I got to bed before half past ten. This took two months. Because I’m prone to eat when tired.
Second, I made up the rule that I’m not allowed to sit in the kitchen and read at night. Because I never eat only a little chocolate, when more’s in reach.
There’s a sub-rule to this rule, saying that I’m not allowed to go back into the kitchen at night for any other purpose than putting a sticker on the calendar at half past ten.
A little later there was an amendment to this rule: Only one beer or a certain amount of chocolate. Not both.
At first I didn’t lose weight at all, or only very little. I didn’t use the scale anyway. But I was so disgusted by my never-ending whining. About being tired, about eating too much candy. Who wants to hear this every day? 25 years was enough.
We planned going on a bike tour during summer vacation. One has to train for something like this. In June and July we rode our bikes a lot, and in August we went on tour with tent and child and stuff for a week. I looked like a complete idiot in my biking shorts, but at the end of the week my legs looked better than before.
Lose weight I didn’t, but I grew a little firmer. If I find it, I’ll show you the most embarassing picture anybody ever has taken of me. I’m really glad that I don’t see myself from behind every day.
(still to be continued)