Apr 182006

Well, I know that feeling fat has nothing to do with your weight. Weighing thirty pounds less than now had me feeling really fat, and weighing only eight pounds less, I have felt attractive, sexy and curvy. But there are reasons to change the way I eat. Ate.

I’m no advocate of dieting for weight loss, because of philosophical, health, and feminist issues. But even if I were, I’m not the right kind of person to diet. The minute I get the feeling of being told, whether I should be hungry; what, when, and how much to eat, I start protesting, “Who are you to bar me from my food?”

In the meantime I was so frustrated by my upwards creeping weight, and my long lasting quest to morph from a compulsive overeater to a normal eater, that I started visiting the weight watchers homepage weekly to see where the next meeting would be. I tried to picture myself converting every bite into points, and then at the end of the day I would have to do aerobics for about three hours to be a good girl. Very funny! This picture drove me to the candy drawer. Immediately.

Yeah, I have a candy drawer. But it’s been moved to a cupboard my son can’t reach. I read that children learn food cravings from their mothers in the womb. I’m really glad that I didn’t drink alcohol when pregnant. The child loves eating: chocolate, potato chips, beans, pasta, rice, jelly beans, carrots, and yoghurt. The carrots and yoghurt are not my fault.

My main goal in all this was not wanting to be driven by compulsiveness for the rest of my life. And then a size twenty makes shopping harder, but with my tendency to slowly gain and gain I’d be needing made-to-measure clothes in retirement.

I’ve been trying to change since I realized, not every human being goes on a major binge every few days, and eats about 3000 calories at once. After this realization I saw a talk show about overeaters. The show’s guests talked about their eating habits, and the only difference between them and me was the amount we ate. Because I didn’t weigh 270 pounds. That was 25 years ago.

(to be continued)

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