Apr 052006
 

Since last week I tried to write a new post. Preferably funny. I wrote something in praise of my gore-tex jacket, I wrote “Stop feeling guilty” and a couple of other brilliant and funny and insightful things – all in my head. Every time I sat down in front of the computer or my PDA, my mind went blank. You see, – I’m still feeling depressed.

After the last post I kept searching the net on depression. In typical hypochondric fashion I diagnosed myself with cyclothymia. Sounds interesting, and like something female and embarrassing.

Well, it is. In a way. ‘Though, as far as I have learned, it’s the only form of bipolar disorder that afflicts as much men as women. So am I suffering from a mood disorder? Or what?

I asked my husband, and we both think it likely. But it’s mild. I’m functioning quite well, even when manic or depressed. No suicidal tendencies. But moods that grip me firmly. For no apparent reason.

I never thought the state that I call my overdrive mode, could be a problem; but since I have been trying to live more conscious, I saw the breakdowns coming in the midst of feeling powerful and energized.

Finding a label for the maelstrom was relief. Not being responsible. That maybe it was all chemical. I didn’t do something wrong.

But what should I do now? Ask for help? Get medication? Somehow I doubt that going to my doctor would be a good move. He thinks if there’s nothing broken, or you’re not having a heart attack right now, it can’t be serious. And if he thinks it’s serious, he’ll give me a pill. Take this and you’ll feel better, bye.

In an attempt to heal myself I’m going more deeply into the techniques of “Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction“. I ordered two books on bipolar disorder. Which will probably make me depressed. And I stay confused.

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